Deep Within

I might be a little sadistic,
Or maybe just really like blood.
But that doesn't mean I'm a bad person,
Or some evil thing in disguise.

The way I am on the surface,
It's not how I am deep within.
I'm a bit more soft on the inside,
With a heart, maybe just a teensy bit big.

I don't say what I want,
I just hide it.
I don't want others to see my pain.
All I'll do it make them worry,
And I'd just feel guilty then.

There's no screaming and clawing from deep inside,
No asking of when this will end.
I don't have thoughts like "Can't I ever win?"
And I don't think it will come again.

If you saw me that one time,
You wouldn't like me.
Or maybe you'd think I'm a freak.
A hysterical girl,
Sprawled on the floor,
Wailing about something being unfair.
I knew I was wrong in every way,
But yelling defenses felt good.

I don't want everything in the world,
Most of it's just material possession.
I just want a select few things,
Like fairness and peace and no dying.

I don't think you know how I am deep within,
I don't think you ever will.
No one knows what I hide deep,
Probably not even myself.