He had no right to hurt you.
That won’t keep you
from grieving in the dark
of long cold nights on your own.
That you held on is a wonder
when others prayed for his leaving
and are thanking God
now that he’s gone.
When you are ensnared in an ambush
that sneaks up
and wraps itself around you
and pretends to be so pretty while
it tries its best to kill you,
keep in mind, it’s not your fault
and the malignancy that surrounds you
will die
by its own hand and someday you’ll smile.
Cry, pretty darling,
let your tears wash your heart.
Cleaning the wound that will heal
but you’ll always bear the scar.
Wear it like a badge
and don’t let anybody through it
till you are strong enough to fight
what will just be the next war.
Author notes
I did some editing. What do you think?
A contest entry
- You by Demington.
850 points, ended September 3, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
It's all good.
Comments
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Outstanding
This is a moving poem which offers support to someone going through a tough time. You don't gloss over the details, or underestimate how difficult it is but you do face the situation with strength and hope. The flow of this poem is particularly good and I liked the way you explored your thoughts and feelings on the subject. You provide a shoulder to cry on and I thought there was a lot of power in this poem. Thank you for posting.
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I must say I think you are getting better at writing!
I think not sticking too a rhyme scheme suits you better, you got some more depth to this one than previous poems I've read by you.
One thing you could try with this poem, is making the.... don't know the english word for it... point of view of the story in some other way. Not a "talking too the person". A "her" and "him" perspective on the story would include the reader more in my opinion.
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Suggestions:
1. Read it out loud. In doing so you will quickly find what parts of the poem are too cliche, too wordy, unnecessary...etc...
2. Try to include some concrete imagery, perhaps as a component of a metaphor.
3. Have someone else (that you trust) read it aloud while you listen. This might be even more effective because you will more self concious if someone else is reading it.
All in all I liked this poem. Well done!
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