When I feel alone
Sorrow is my tome
No one wants to hear
I’m worthless as a tear
I fall, and sink like lead
Traded, jaded, dead.
But when love fills my heart
Let sorrow's tear depart
A kiss will make me whole
A smile can heal my soul
One touch escapes abyss
Revive, alive, bliss.
Then I’m filled with hope
With freedom I elope
Horizons fill with stars
I know the future’s ours
Invincible my faith
Healed, sealed, safe.
Yet fear keeps taking hold
To freeze my visions cold
It’s threats of failure warn
Of darkness, loss and scorn
‘Beware of trust!’ it shouts
Depressed, possessed, doubts.
Now anger rears its head
I turn to rage and dread
I only see the bad
Suspicion drives me mad
Shadows are all I see
Killing, stilling, me.
But joy returns again
Defying every pain
Then all I see is light
Strength does challenge night
My feelings change once more
Smiting, fighting, war.
These feelings come and go
I’m lost, like tears in snow
Yet I can’t be alive
Unless these feelings thrive
I need them, lest I fall
Resilient, brilliant! All..
Author notes
Written for the 'feelings' competition.
I tried to convey the internal struggle of different feelings and emotions here, and how one simple feeling can lead to so many others. I also attempted to keep a strict rhyme and structure, I think i have succeeded, although the rhythm may seem not quite perfect depending on how you stress syllables etc. In any case, I hope you enjoy it! 
A contest entry
- Rhyme and Flow part 9 Feelings - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended September 7, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyming Pre-Write Extravaganza 2 by piccola.
600 points, ended September 29, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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very good! I think you expressed feelings very well. This is exactly how relationships are. They are a roller coaster. All we can do is hang to the ride because we know that if we let go we have nothing. very well written.
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I think you've captured the meaning of the contest remarkably well. There are so many conflicting feelings we feel when we're in relationships with other people, it's hard to keep track of them all, but you manage to take them apart and analyze them, forming pieces of a whole that can be looked at and studied a bit closer than they were before. Bravo on penning such a wonderful read, it was a joy to read from beginning to end. I hope to read more from you in the future, so please keep up the remarkable work! PS. I think you should have won that contest!
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WOW
This is a great write! Very deep. I like the way you included lots of feelings!!! I like th wording to the part "Yet fear keeps taking hold
To freeze my visions cold."
That was amazing!
Anyway, Great Job!
Keep writing.
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"Now anger rears its head
I turn to rage and dread
I only see the bad
Suspicion drives me mad
Shadows are all I see
Killing, stilling, me."
sounds like mania, or being bi-polar. (which I am) This kind of rhyme always sounds forced to me, as though there is a struggle just to keep the rhyme going. Also there are a few filler words that I think can be removed to improve the flow. Like here:
Yet fear keeps taking hold
To freeze my visions cold
It’s threats of failure warn
Of darkness, loss and scorn
‘Beware of trust!’ it shouts
Depressed, possessed, doubts.
The last two lines could be changed to:
Beware of trust it shouts
Possessed only by doubts.
thank you for the entry
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Thank you for your entry in the contest. An interesting poem dealing with Feelings and a very good write. Your rhyme is very good, but your rhythm and flow is slightly off in places.
All the best in judging
Sue and Jeff
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oh yeah this is my fav part...
Yet fear keeps taking hold
To freeze my visions cold
It’s threats of failure warn
Of darkness, loss and scorn
‘Beware of trust!’ it shouts
Depressed, possessed, doubts.
Now anger rears its head
I turn to rage and dread
I only see the bad
Suspicion drives me mad
Shadows are all I see
Killing, stilling, me.
But joy returns again
Defying every pain
Then all I see is light
Strength does challenge night
My feelings change once more
Smiting, fighting, war.
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graet
I do agree your rhythm is off some places but overall your poem is to great to be worrying about that!!! I think the message comes across beautifully and its relatable.
Good luck in the contest!!!
--xx @nie xx--
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