I breathe in life every day,
through every sense I know.
I've drank the colors of the trees,
and smelled fresh fallen snow.
I can hear the smile upon your face,
and smell it when you lie.
Taste your lips upon my neck
and know the reason why.
Deep inside your eye of mind,
you are in total control.
Your senses guide you on your way,
like out on a patrol.
I can smell adrenalin in my veins,
just before a fight.
Sit down in a pitch black field,
and you will hear the night.
Breathe my friend and take in life,
exhale with all your dreams.
Take your senses out to play,
to the edges of extreme.
Author notes
I am sorry I went over I tried to cut it up but then it said nothing. I will understand if you toss me out on my kister, but I wrote it for you and had to submit it. It felt wrong to let it sit collecting dust. Again sorry.
A contest entry
- breathe by Namita.
800 points, ended October 16, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Now this is how one truly become one with all things around them. I love how you made this very personal with each of the different senses and brought it all within a whole. Wonderful hun, and sorry it did not win.
Love to you, Rick.
Joann
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Very uplifting and just beautifully penned. I could easily fall into each line of this piece and "live" it as I read it aloud. Much enjoyed this. Great job and great message.
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Exceptional
Whether it stays in the contest or not it is defidently way to good of a poem to sit collecting dust! I love how you use unexpected mixing of the senses. When you talked about drink the colors, hear a smile, smell a lie, ect. that turned out really well. I also liked the part about sitting in a pitch black feild and hearing the night. It starts my imagination going, thinking about what i might here there, imagining myself sitting there crosslegged on the cold wet grass. This poem is exceptional. -
Ok i don't like the imagery here, its almost like you tried to hard. I can see what you were going for by using the conflicting senses but it just makes you poem sound silly. I do wan to complement you on the flow and beat of the poem though, i liked it very much as well as one imagery you placed in here that i thought was wonderful,"Sit down in a pitch black field,
and you will hear the night." bravo for that, but work on better language for your poetry.
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