The tantalizing smell of cigarettes,
The taste of dark red wine upon my lips.
He asks if we should dance. I answer, "Let's"
And find his palm with eager finger tips.
He leads me like The Piper, suave and cool,
His smile is charmed, his eyes are even worse -
So large, so deep, so dark, I play the fool
And fall into his sweet seductive curse.
"How many more," I whisper in his ear.
"Have danced like this with you before tonight?"
But with a spin, these worries disappear
And with a dip I lose the urge to fight.
His moves are smooth, he pulls me back to him
And once again we're dancing cheek to cheek.
He whispers, smooth as silk, "You're not some whim
But fate, my love." And so my knees go weak...
He dips me down again, the music ends,
But I still hear my heart increase its rate.
His one hand on my back - just where it bends -
The other in my own. "But what is fate?"
"You want to know what fate is?" He inquires.
I answer, "Yes." He says I'll have the chance.
His eyes beguile, my longing soul aspires.
He smiles, "My sweet, we've not begun to dance."
Author notes
Before:
The tantalizing smell of cigarettes,
The taste of wine upon my lips.
He asks if we should dance. I tell him, "Let's."
He puts his hands upon my hips.
Can't hardly even hear the music play,
Too busy gazing in his eyes.
And as, as if I dream, our bodies sway,
I can't believe it, sadness dies.
Original picture credit: fineartamerica.com/images-medium/
A contest entry
- Love & Romance by onesugar.
1200 points, ended September 2, 2008, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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A tantalising portrayal of a first date. We never know on that first date if he's wolf or hero and these words describe that stomach fluttering feeling of uncertainty perfectly. Really enjoyed this!
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This is such a powerful piece of poetry! Exceptional in every aspect: conception, execution and shows a sauve, even jaded maturity. Just a brilliant piece of poetry. (Perhaps not my favorite of yours, but this is most certainly among your best.) Oh, did I say that I loved it? I do!
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Beautiful writing full of sensuality.
Thanks for entering
Raker
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Hi, that was some night,lol, great, all the best, Di
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For me this is one of my favourites. I was captivated by this piece. It was outstanding.
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Promise...sing
Had I been judge rather than contestant this would have won gold rather than bronze given the potential beyond the current version offered here today
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Thank you for that.
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This is absolutely beautiful, the way you have told thier story amazing, I like how you have brought him into the picture..in ways I could relate to this on a personal level.
A pleaure, thank you for entering
and good luck
~sugar~
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This is absolutely beautiful, my friend what a story you pen here through marvelous verse!!
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Much Better! Good job. I think the words are better with the new stanzas you've added in. I think the last two lines of the the last stanza are REALLY good actually and you got a good picture to go with the story. The sounds like it could be someone's dream actually.
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Wow hun this is a fantastic poem
How you brought him in to the picture, those wonderful words painting the image perfectly.
Love the last stanza
Best wishes to you in this contest
Julie
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You pulled off!
I think it's great!
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Thank you.
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I know how it feels to be hit by an awesome opening couplet and then to agonize over how to do it justice. This feels like the solid beginning to a solid piece though. I would agree that your newest version is a definite improvement though, which should count for something. Keep at it, I've read your work, I know you can make it shine.
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Thank you. I have added on to it now and would love to know what you think.
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I think
It's perfectly fine, as a poem, as it is.
If you add to it, you may detract from what you've got, which is rich imagery, emotion - feeling...
But you're talented enough to add on and not
lose the quality that you have here in these two
stanzas.
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Thanks. I have added on to it now and would love to know your thoughts on how it turned out.
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It's really good. I think you should add onto it. It's like starting a story right before you really start it if that makes sense. I don't know why but I really, really like the first two lines of the first stanza. It sets the stage so to speak.
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I've added on to it now. What do you think?
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Thanks, those are actually the only two lines I really care for. The rest isn't living up to them.
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I love it! I think it's good the way it is. I really love the last line, I feel hope, surprise, and happiness in that one line. Great job hun!!
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Charming
A lulling dream-like poem.
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