as night falls,
they are standing at the foot
of the staircase,
looking up at the mountain;
they are moving minds
so that their bodies will stop
rusting.
our fingers continue
to wrap around the question
of living, and leaving,
reflecting on how each letter
is a woman
or a man,
and they name objects
and colors to make sense
of breathing.
they realize they are
filled to the curl
of their toes with stories
of the atlantic ocean,
realize that they are
already old.
Author notes
breathing
in and out
until you realize
you've lived your whole life
just breathing.
A contest entry
- breathe by Namita.
800 points, ended October 16, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
-
The is an interesting piece. I sort of got lost at who "they" were until moving back to the title, but I could easily place my own assumptions as to who "they" are and it worked. Lovely piece.
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I agree with valor, it's beautiful. Especially the end, and the title. And: 'looking up at the mountain' 'bodies will stop rusting, 'of living, and leaving'
But I think the bit in your author notes should be in the poem proper, because I like it.
I think the weakest point is this bit:
'reflecting on how each letter
is a woman
or a man,
and they name objects
and colors to make sense
of breathing.'
I mean, when I read it over again, it's actually still quite good, but I think that was the point when I was closest to losing interest.
-
beautiful ending, love, & beautiful lines all around.
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