Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Ribbed

Your fingers -
feminine, for what
I'd expect -
linger
for a second on the seventh -
that impossible interval.
I almost press them,
like branding day,
into the flesh of my side.
Just the fingertips remain
now;
each dainty ridge made of
whirls and valleys
makes me want to be
a phoenix.

Author notes

Choppy, I know. This was a late night desperate attempt to break my writer's block; any comments are appreciated.
~
Second and third poems for a dozenglassroses contest:

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4368999

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4595903

How they Relate:
All three of these poems are written about the same boy; a now close friend of mine who I've liked for several months. I am currently in an excellent relationship with someone else, and the above poetry was written in an attempt to try to sort out my feelings for the other boy.
So sort of untraditional love poems, but love poems nonetheless,I think.

A contest entry

Any comments are appreciated.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • Forgotten Anomaly
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    This is a little choppy but not bad. I like the description in this. Its defenetly an intersting take on love poetry. Thank you for entering the contest and good luck.


  • Meroza
    April 1

    Edit | Reply
    An interesting take on the prompt I must say.

    Best of luck


  • Bean Sidhe silver member
    March 18
    Edit | Reply
    There is definitely a unique something about this piece. I do think it needs to be fleshed out a bit and maybe added to, just to strengthen the idea and create more in the way of imagery. But the innocence and near secrecy in the lines are haunting.

    A lovely addition to my contest! Thank you for your entry and good luck!

    -Beàn Sidħe


  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    January 28
    Edit | Reply
    A little short but right to the point.
    Very well done.


  • Ryno
    November 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the idea and the image - there was just not enough to it... the brevity just wasn't strong enough, I feel.
    Not feeling it.
    ~prewrites, come and get them


  • Kiss the girl--x
    November 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is really really really pretty,
    and i don't know why, it's simple, but it reminds me of how i feel for my best friend.

    ♥


  • BehindTheShadow
    October 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Nice job!


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    September 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Quite a unique piece and descriptive as well
    It sets up a detailed scene for the reader

    I liked it


  • sapphireangelwings
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very unusual piece that leaves one feeling the emotion. Nice job with the imagery as well. Thanks for entering.


  • z etoile
    September 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering these poems. The first poem "Ribbed" seemed to have a small splash of sensual words great job. YOur poem "Cars" seemed to be penned about the memories you have with this person which you miss and I love the last line "I miss-missing you"
    and the third poem "It looks better on"
    I liked these lines
    I'd hate to
    see the alcohol in your
    breath
    soil my
    Cinderella dress.

    Great job and thank you for entering my contest.
    MJ


  • jcat gold member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The phantom feeling of your lovers fingers lingering upon the fleshful desires of the heart....What a beautiful piece you have penned here!! Best wishes...


  • SincerelyMegan
    September 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved this!
    I like how you started off the poem especially.
    And also how you ended it.

    Great write.
    Good luck!


  • tomisb
    August 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There is a delicacy in the language and a feeling of doubt in the hesitancy of the rythmn of the words. The dance like sunlight with shadows and make this a trepedicious sensual dance with a prayer for happiness sighing in the breath. It is seductive in its own innocence. Beautifully done.
    Love, Tom B.

  • ccfly
    August 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ooh I like this. It's a very cool and unique structure and I love the wording and imagery. Nice work!

1 - 14 of 14