There are things that I don't want you to see
That I don't want anyone to see
There are places I go
When I know I'll be alone
Where I let all the turmoil out from inside
Because out in the open
I can't let you know
And when my stifling environment
Holds my breath back,
I can't let it go
I hold on to this frayed image of me
But I'm not good at it
I can tell you know it's a lie
Yet all the same I hide away in myself
Wait until it's late tonight
While everyone I know is long asleep
And I'll let it all out
Quietly,
So that'd you'd never know,
I cry.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The title caught my attention.
This is a good poem. It speaks of internal hardship and turmoil. That will speak to many people. It portrays your feelings quite well. This shows your fear or dislike of being judged for what you feel will be perceived as weekness. I myself will tell anyone I will cry I want to. If they think that is a weekness then we can fight about it. I recommend "tightening" the longer lines. That is split the longer lines to shorten them and lose a word here and there. This will accomplish a few things. First it improve the flow or rhythm of the poem. Second it gives it a more unified look. Just like the fancy dishes in a resturaunt it is often as much about appearence as it is about what's on the plate. Third shorter lines pack more punch and they are easier for the reader to take in a digest.
I'll give you a few examples as to what I mean:
These are the things that
I don't want you to see
don't want anyone to see.
There are places I will go
When I know I'll be alone.
If you count the number of beats per line you'll see that the are close to the same. That makes it have a better rhythm. Does that make sense? Ofcourse these are just suggestions. But these are some of the things I've learned since joining sharepoetry and getting feedback on my poetry from other poets. Keep up the good work.
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