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  • Mairi bheag gold member
    August 30, 2008

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    A very nice senryu; but don't get to hung up on the 5-7-5 structure. 17 syllables of English contain about 30% more information that 17 syllables of Japanese, so I am wondering if you could make the same point just as elegantly in, say, 4-5-4?

    I like the way you have two possible cutting points in the verse - the first is a grammatical break after the line one, the second is a change in the message between lines two and three.