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the helmet






i’ve left you with the graffiti
sprayed in bubbly words
and drawn

precisely in black

permanent marker on bleachers
where i sat

spectator of subtle truths

trapped behind the metal mask
caging your face.

until focus returns to your game
you glance at crowded stands
looking for me

still a spec of ink

who has been gone since the last
touchdown.

those yardlines had no conclusion
but

part of me remains

watching you play
waiting for you

to define this vandalism

if only i saw how out of bounds
your eyes were

before the rush








Author notes

not sure about the line breaking.

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Flowergirl
    February 21
    Edit | Reply
    very nice i love this great form keep it up.


  • heaven all alone
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    I think the line breaking is intriguing, to say the least.

    I really liked this. The broken phrasing and the lack of punctuation made it all the more wonderful. I think when a great writer can compose something moving without punctuation and capitalization, etc, it just proves that they can create magic with the WORDS themselves. Not having to use extra ornamentation to get their point across.


  • you lack luster
    January 16

    Edit | Reply
    well, i really loved all of it.
    "if only i saw how out of bounds
    your eyes were

    before the rush"
    that really solidified it for me, a great ending. it explained alot and gave me a bit of an insight into a feeling of yours.
    great write.


  • autarky
    August 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i like the line breaking; maybe that's just me. in fact, i loved all of it, and i agree with the commenter below. the ending is fantastic.


  • Age of Rain
    August 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'and drawn

    precisely in black'

    Kind of brilliant. The line break there was *high pitched voice* FABULOUS! I am almost jealous.

    No punctuation hmm. Well, it works.

    'spectator of subtle truths' its a good line, but 'subtle truths' is something that is not uncommon. Though hardly a cliche.

    'caging your face' Sometimes gerunds work. Sometimes not. I am not fond of this one.

    'still a spec of ink' I had to read this twice to get what you meant. I read it again just to be sure. You are the spec of ink, no? Something about the phrasing seems slightly off. Maybe 'just a spec of ink?' idk.

    'those yardlines had no conclusion
    but'

    Brill!

    'if only i saw how out of bounds
    your eyes were

    before the rush'

    The ending is jaw dropping. I think you cleaned up nicely. The 'you's' were not overdone. Well done!

    • sideways hourglass
      August 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks

      And yeah, I'm the spec of ink in the crowd; the spec of ink in the graffiti; in the memory.

      I wasn't sure about that part either, but considering it was right after the word "me" i thought it would imply it enough? that's what i was hoping at least anyway. lol

1 - 7 of 7