Lanky shoulders sulk in
an unsymmetrical stance
Poised in predatory wit
and anticipating to pounce
on night's opportunity.
An unbridled groan,
guttural moan, caveman
grunts through speaker phones
yellow eyes blend with
city lights and kings
of the jungle rumble
with gatekeepers
perched high above
the unbeaten path
taller than any
red oak tree
- as if they ever stood
a chance.
Author notes
First off, sorry I took so long
I'm not even sure if this what you're looking for, I took the animal inspiration and sort of turned it into criticism of modern society and our "mating" habits.
It's been a while since i've written, still trying to get back into the groove of things =)
A contest entry
- Animal by Thoughts-of-Soloman.
1800 points, ended September 23, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Very cat like in the first stanza.
Then I'm a little confused by the speaker phones.
I think we must be at some urban event or something, where would be predators of another kind may choose to hang out for dark opportunities.
All feels busy, event holders, those attending and security forces over looking an unnatural situation, which they have little chance of controlling.
I'm not convinced that I'm with this properly, as intended, is it that I'm tired or that I'm in need of more clues?
As usual from you, it reads great but I find myself working to get an overall grip on it. I feel a need to be clearer on who the individual subjects are.
My apologies if it's just me being slow...
or perhaps there's something here worth further work on, in order to expose it more clearly, to the likes of me.
Thanks for your write, it's always an honour and pleasure to have you around.
Sol
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I could see where this could be confusing - most things coming from head are =). I was actually talking about predator in the sense of men/women going out "on the town" trying to "pick up" their prey. I tried to make the jungle/cat references into an urban modern day look. I'm not sure if my explanation even makes sense, but i tried haha As always, thanks for the thorough comment =)
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i loved this stanza:
An unbridled groan,
guttural moan, caveman
grunts through speaker phones
sounds like one of my daughters
when she was constantly hooked up
to he cell phone or i-pod!
drove us nuts...hello in there!
is anyone home in that skull of yours?
with grunts of huh...huh....huh....
well done!
ears/Seattle sis
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