a thing small and simple
soon tarnished but now
the bronze of sundown
the shoulder of a singing harp
and the talons of a lioness
and on the obverse of the disc
a fine profile and a legend
of queenship and defending faith
a cloud that caught a sneeze
some time I disremember
and now sits crumpled
going grey like evening does
held against another possibility
the lance that broaches a box
stirs its heart to purring
and makes the landscape run
in greens and blues by its window
this lance is hooped to others
that speak of more boxes
in which I move and look outwards
to pictures that changes more slowly
two small moons to balance
upon my intent face
nothing else as I pat and frisk
except these old combat pants
a fading polo shirt and
what blushes beneath
In a list
A contest entry
- Write Me a List Poem by chordphrute.
1000 points, ended August 29, 2008, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Riddle me ree
Comments
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winner!
certainly image driven, "going grey like evening does" is quite cinematic and yet, a soft, interior song to "...what blushes beneath". charming narrative, indeed.
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Thanks for the visit - glad you liked it.
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this poem is absolutely stunning, radiant and beautifully penned. Have you ever thought about getting your work published?
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...as you well know...
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thanks for the welcome.
and i chose to comment this one because its my favorite.its really good.
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I am glad you liked it. Thanks for visiting.
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Well hello
Thanks for entering -
I love that you have taken the list poem structure and squeezed every last drop of description from it as you can.
It's definitely difficult to critique this.You have followed all of the rules. I love the tissue. It's my favorite object in your list. I love that you give more weight to some objects and less to others - just the right amount, it seems. And of course, your ending is lovely. I greatly enjoy your use of texture and color. Could you introduce synesthesia to it or parallel some phrases? I wonder how the impression for the reader might change if the visual aspects of the piece were changed a bit -
Wonderful job -
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And she wants synesthesia as well!
I guess I could do that, but this was dashed off in a spare moment or two, and I think I will let it stand as it is, a kind of riddle poem; it had the right kind of feeling to me, when I had finished it, and that's a sure sign not to tinker. Maybe I will leave the synesthesia until another time, and re-work the poem at leisure.
Anyhow, hello you, and thank you for your comment.
Suddenly you're here and setting contests!
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So many views for so few comments! Stunning imagery.
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Thank you.
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Wow!
I love the rich and vibrant immagery you have penned. This will be a poem I shall bookmark, it is beautiful and powerful and something that stirrs the soul.
So very well composed.
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Thank you. I wonder if you have deduced the actual objects. If so, IM me.
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