observations from the womb
peel skin
from my legs
and use it
to warm your bodies,
I lay horizontal
chewing my pillowcase
until even it bleeds
screaming in colors-
oh
what an untimely
naked death
but don't blame
sinewy flesh that escaped
from my bones
to wrap
the intangible,
my body sensed
something more was needed
to sustain
numbers and orbits
because my mind
is blending
onto newsprint
leaving the black and white
imbalanced
around me
the room emits an orange glow
and I crave
succulent fruit
how unique
your touch could be
counting out every rib like
they were stars.
but my hair rests sticky
on my forehead
and I sweat
empty threats
to finally clip the veins
from my eyes
and live in blind pieces,
become my own
continent
of just forest.
understand
the beauty in green
how it breathes life
just with a simple shade
and then layers on eyelids
until people witness
the beauty of rebirth,
life comes in circles
for us to
mold
and return with two feet.
it takes something
to admit defects,
my knees curled inwards
at birth
like country roads
knotting at every curve
as obstacles
for my growth.
yet my bedside audience
grows and they laugh
like vomit children
not knowing
what their ears are for;
listen
when I claim the house is burning
I'm trying to drag you out
not down
so my memories
don't become ash
to be trodden
and picked up by the wind
for all to know
when
like a compass
I held them all
so close
Author notes
where is my mind, the atlantic
A contest entry
- personal poetry. ❤ by aanika.
1147 points, ended September 13, 2008, 40 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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this is so much different from your most recent poem about the "womb" haha. it's an interesting concept. you could make a series or something..? :]
anyway, i enjoyed this one almosttt as much as the new one.
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Loved it! The imagery you have in every one of your pieces always leaves me in my own little world (or should I say your world
) and that's what I like most about poetry. Emotion and imagery, and that's what you bring with every poem. The only thing I didn't think fit was "untimely" in the first stanza. You already have naked, which in itself shows that it's untimely ('cause who wants to die naked ya know what I mean? XD ) Anyhoo, amazing, darlin' 
Jeanette*~
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You are right, I would and do enjoy this and the reason...It feels so refined and powerfully done. The last stanza is gorged with truth and about to pop it seems and then the first, punctuation included, is nearly perfect. You space where you would pause or continue onto another thought and usually I think your line breaks can be a bit erratic...But not this time, I think it is done to help add intensity. And no, it's not too long...As I think in terms of personal poetry, length is not so much an issue...Though I do sometimes think some poems are a little long...I don't feel this way here. You know, you should get in the habit of sending me to your stuff more often as my brain is cheese and sometimes I forget...LOL.
"my knees curled inwards
at birth
like country roads
knotting at every curve
as obstacles
for my growth."
- Reminded me of me...In some way and I like that comparison...Honestly I deeply felt this whole poem was really focused and well, it reminds me of some of the stuff I post on here and write off the site, to keep greedily to myself.
This roars to life.
;
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I was trying to think of a good word to describe your writing style and I think I've found it...avant garde.
Ooops, that's two words. Well, at any rate, what you are is unique and reading you is NEVER boring. I love
every second I am gobbling up your words. Love, Lane
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feast away sug
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'something more was needed
to sustain
numbers and orbits
because my mind
is blending
onto newsprint
leaving the black and white
imbalanced'
your writing is... beautiful.
I seriously have no words.
it flows amazingly.
good luck. -
wow, this is so incredibly different. there's so much amazing stuff in here that is unlike anything i've read before. seriously, i love this.
the only critique i can offer is that i think you could've picked a better word in the first line, the word "take" is so lackluster and flat.
good stuff though
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OMG WHERE ARE YOU!
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this is brilliant - especially the ending, it was genius.
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thanks babe
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one of my favorites of yours. there was something about it, the tone maybe, that felt very different than your other stuff. in a good way. love it
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listen
when I claim the house is burning
I'm trying to drag you out
not down
how freaking great is this image?
Like listen damnit I am trying to help you not hinder you...
I lay horizontal
chewing my pillowcase
until even it bleeds
Hummmm a pillow case bleeding, I like it!
my body sensed
something more was needed
to sustain
numbers and orbits
because my mind
is blending
onto newsprint
leaving the black and white
imbalanced
God damn you! This rocks!!
around me
the room emits an orange glow
and I crave
succulent fruit
How about a smoothie? Does that count as fruit? I love this line!!! You are just being a smart ass now...
it takes something
to admit defects,
Did you mean defects? Or defeat????
Once again I bow to thee
So have some little bunny men
They are good with ketchup...lol
♥Becky♥
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bravo my dear
my god you seem to be on such a roll these days and with great gusto! you certainly deserve all the praise
keep it rollin ! <3
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ilovethis... especially the starting... very very strong!
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strength in all your words.
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Your words. Mine=love
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If this is the beginning
Wow...seriously hun this is awesome stuff. 
C
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my favorite work from you thus far.
no doubt.
[thou in the 2nd to last paragraph there was a repeating of the word until- intentional?]
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lol thank you, i definitely read over that in my head
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a beginning
what can i possibly have to say after reading something like this?
head over heels in ardor with it. i am pleased to have made your acquaintance.
maybe "sinew of flesh" instead of "sinewy flesh"? i love the line and think sinewy sounds too playful in contrast to the edge of this phrase. sinew works just fine, as it can be used to mean something of solid and resilient strength.
..."counting out each rib like
they were stars.", this is golden, pony boy.
for that matter, the entire stanza is a concrete testament to survival (etched now and henceforth in the soft pallet of my brain).
jeeze louise:
"it takes something
to admit defects,
my knees curled inwards
at birth
like country roads
knotting at every curve
as obstacle
for my growth." i will shake your hand one day. there is a way to shake hands with an ocean... it may take years, but i am an apt pupil.
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but my hair rests sticky
on my forehead
and I sweat
empty threats
to finally clip the veins
from my eyes
and live in blind pieces,
become my own
continent
of just forest.
clipping the veins from your eyes makes me cringe, awesomely.
yet my bedside audience
grows and they laugh
like vomit children
not knowing
what their ears are for;
what their ears are for! the vomit children! omg! awesome shit right therrrr
so my memories
don't become ash
to be trodden
and picked up by the wind
for all to know
when
like a compass
I held them all
so close
i love how it's like...your memories led you and you refuse to abandon them that easily. it's true to your personality, i think.
so much of this is so different and fresh and new and rejuvenated. i'm refreshed. fuhreal.
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in a way i wrote this for you. i know you were sick of all the same shit. i was too.
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i think i have been doing a lot of the same shit myself lately
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vomit children!
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eh it happens
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