There is gnarly creepy crawlers
there are slimy gunk on me
there is stench that you can taste
hold on here comes sour milk
and dirty tampons
the plastic I can't climb
it's slippery, green
and crusted with coffee grounds
help!
A contest entry
- Write Me a List Poem by chordphrute.
1000 points, ended August 29, 2008, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Congratulations on the bronze!
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Well hello!
Thank you for entering!
I like this one - I like that you used unconventional means. I like that it's not 'sweet and buttery'. I like that it's 'hard' to read (not grammatically, but figuratively). I like the objects you chose. I like that you give more weight to some objects and less to others.
critiques: I'm not digging your last line - it feels like a quick "oh damn how do I end this?" line - work with it - the context is right - milk it for more.
Also: when it comes to description, think color. Think numbers. Think Naming. Think Comparison. Think Texture. Also - what structure are you following? Do you start inside the trash can, looking at it from the outside, etc? Where is the speaker?
Nice job.
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