While moon looks down from velvet skies,
she shyly meets his hopeful gaze -
bright stars look up from in her eyes.
Her faithful heart to his replies,
he pledges troth to keep always,
while moon looks down from velvet skies.
Self-mastery claims true love’s prize:
Beloved’s conquered not, but raised -
bright stars look up from in her eyes.
All kindness kindles soft replies;
each ev’ning’s light, self’s gift displays
while moon looks down from velvet skies.
Sore tears of one, the other dries;
build bulwarks, staunch, of proven days -
bright stars look up from in her eyes.
Together nurture fam’ly ties,
small kingdom where their best holds sway ~
while moon looks down from velvet skies,
bright stars look up from in her eyes.
Author notes
nocturne: An office of devotion, by night
troth: faithfulness, fidelity, or loyalty; one's word or promise, esp. in engaging oneself to marry
bulwark: any person or thing giving strong support or encouragement in time of need, danger, or doubt
Mirthryl (there is no second poem/prewrite)
A contest entry
- The Beauty of a Villanelle by CitrineSunrise.
900 points, ended September 1, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This is a beautiful poem of understated sensuality that doesn't drive but responds to the attraction between her of the starry eyes and him of the moonlit velvet skies.
You have used the Villanelle form well to compose a sort of fugue of responses building to the final climactic union of two into one.
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As a moon child ...
I can see all the love you shared with this poem and it is a fine example of devotion to and challenge for taking those words that you love and writing something that inspires and makes us feel good. I also find that when my muse leaves me that a 'challenge' is all that is needed to have me scrambling for paper and pen or a present trend, "keyboard"! LOL j y
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I love this. The love story is so pure and beautiful, just as a true love story should be. My favorite part of this had to do with one of the lines of your controlling couplet--the one about stars in her eyes. I liked it because it took on nuances of new meaning with each stanza, which is what the lines of a good villanelle couplet should do. This was romantic, and so lovely. Wonderfully executed form.
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I adore any write that can manage to incorporate
the moon and the emotion of love. YOu do so here
and it is intriguing as well as adept to form.
Words breathe feeling and too, the form gives
echoed meaning. Truly, a gift to feast upon.
I wanted to say "bright stars look up from lover's eyes" somehow...can't explain why. Blue
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This is a lovely villanelle filled with beautiful imagery and an interesting metaphor for marriage. I think it would have been a stronger poem if you had varied the wording in your refrain lines. The opening line is perfect, but the alternate refrain reuses the word look when a synonym would have been more interesting. Thank you for your entry. Peace, Liz
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Thank you so much for the read and specific comments. The site on which I looked up Villanelle only mentioned repeating lines, so I did not know it was "legal" to alter the content of refrain lines. Or are you referring only to the use of alternative words in the refrain lines in this piece? I've still got a lot to learn! Thanks for helping me along!
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Beautiful in sound and sentiment of true, faithful lasting love. Sweet rivers flow from this piece. Who would not want such a love where eyes continue to shine like stars!
Love this stanza especially; to read aloud is to "feel" the softness you write of:
"All kindness kindles soft replies;
each ev’ning’s light, self’s gift displays
while moon looks down from velvet skies."
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I must confess I don't like the phrase "from in", but apart from that you have got the villanelle spot on.
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Excellent! I loved the phrases "Beloved’s conquered not, but raised" and "build bulwarks, staunch, of proven days." Such a wonderful expression of a generous and lasting love.
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