Would you let me fall from grace?
From high up on a pillar
To land on my face?
You said you'd be there
Wipes off my tears
But now you've been gone
For so many years
Time has come to accept
The missing time spent
Leaning on you so much
The missing attachment
I cry and regret
Would you help me?
Take My Hand?
Let us travel
Across this land?
Missing figments
And Broken fragments
Memories
Like a dagger
Through my heart
Would you smile
Say yes and then die
The lesson learnt here
The Art of a lie
A contest entry
- Would You... by x--nocturnia--x.
1400 points, ended September 14, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think, I really do want some honest feedback
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Would you smile
Say yes and then die
The lesson learnt here
The Art of a lie
oooh, I love that stanza.
I think you've summed up how everyone feels now and then. -
hey...i think its ok. i mean its written pretty well and all, but i agree with people below me, the grammar neeeds some work. The problem with selecting such subjects, is that so many people write about them. So yours really needs to have something special in order to stand out. although your poem is alright, i dont think it has anything different about it, therefore perhaps it assumes an amateurish quality. why not try coming up with new ways to say things? Good luck with your work
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I saw your plea on shameless, and had to check out if it was an actual poetical injustice or the poets ego (we all have one) playing push and shove again. Unfortunately it's the latter.
Look, we might all be verging on "armature" on here because other wise we'd all be at our on book signings now, wouldn't we? Don't don't take it to heart, it's just an opinion!
Now onto your poem. It's good, but not fantastic. I know you said it's not your best and I will have a glance at your other work after. It's just there's something average about it. A poet needn't use fancy words to make an excellent poem, however there needs to be an original idea or two in there. Even a phrase that makes you step back and think, wow, I wish I'd written that. Unfortunately, there's a lot of "cry" "die" and "heart" in this; all overused words.The two people below have already covered the "wipes" and "wiped" issue, so I won't go into that.
So, there's your honesty. If you're going to let your ego get in the way, prepare to have it hit a couple of times.
Feel free to whine at me, or take it out on my poetry I don't mind, my ego has suffered enough to know it's not the end of the world.
Take care.
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Wipes off my tears
I think that should be wiped or You said you'd wipe off my tears
rhyme is a little forced
needs a background
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Actually, instead of 'wipes off my tears' it should probably be wiped. Other than that I see no mistakes. Very good poem.
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Word said my Grammer was perfect and I just double checked myself......
The Amature air to it.... I can understand that I have to say it isn't one of my best....
I've just read it again and I really don't know what I could actually change.....
First line Stanza two, I know that is a terrible line, because it is used in so many "I'm gonna kill myself because you're not there" kinda poems..... but apart from that one line which I wouldn't know how to change, there is nothing really I could do with it.....
Anyway, I still wanna get atleast bronze LOL
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ahhh this is pretty good!
I really like the context but it has an amature air to it, no offense. Try fixing up the grammar and ... well I think perfect grammar would help the reading of it substantially. Update the written date when you do so I will reread it when you have I really liked this keep workin on it!!
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