Eyes slowly opening, fearful of the light
A shadow slinks slowly - but then out of sight
Bolt upright, glaring, look a little longer
Contemplate investigating, if only I were stronger
To carry on and be part of the verse
I ignore the shadow, it could be worse
A breakfast of words, ate in moderation
I hate to be wrong, end this conversation
Water corroding the jagged peaks inside
If only the shadow, but it knows to hide
To carry on and be part of the world
I can’t hide away quiet and curled
I close my eyes and hum to catch my breath
And ignore the shadow playing images of death
Crouching in the water, feeling for my spine
A shadow rushes past me and I grab what’s mine
To carry on and be part of the sphere
I stand up and get myself out of here
The sun burns through the shadows with light
Then I cowardly look back, I loose my fight
I stumble, crawl, scamper fall
The shadow is on me, with a whispering drawl
‘To carry on and be false in this plane
Is too much to bear, too much strain’
My fingers dig in the earth, I upturn a stone
A shadow is there and I am alone
The clouds have come over and all around me
The darkness is thickening and I cannot see
To carry on and get myself free
I tear at the blankets smothering me
To carry on and have a real life
I scream for the sun and throw down my knife
To carry on like those people do
I hold my quivering hand out to you
A contest entry
- Polar Opposites: Mania and Depression by Auburn Sunrise.
1000 points, ended September 3, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Thanks for the reads Jade. i've had a look at a couple and have found some good lines that i like, such as,
"look a little longer
Contemplate investigating,
if only I were stronger"
However, i think you could do a lot more with a bit of good old theory. If you havn't ever had the chance or found a way to study metred poetry and linguistics there are some fairly easy lessons you can learn that will make a huge difference. Let me know if you are interested and i'll try to point you in the best direction.
As for meaning, well i'm no expert and i would like to leave that to other readers, i think your work is interesting and worth my time and anyone elses.
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Thank you for your feedback. I studied some poetry and literature subjects at uni but meter was never covered thoroughly enough for me to learn how to use it myself. I seem to have some poems that flow better than others but some that are very clunky and the meaning gets distracted by the uneven flow through the lines and verses. I have always felt meter is what I need to work on the most and I will graciously accept any suggestions or advice that will help me or point me in the right direction to get help.
I appreciate your honesty and constructive criticism
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Wow. I really thorougly enjoyed this write. Wonderful rhyme, wonderful imagery, excellent diction.
Impressive! I absolutely love the ending. What a way to close a fascinating read!
It leaves a little bit of room for hope, after such a desperate breakdown.
Thanks for entering!
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