black tresses fanned
I stroked
her heart
spring pulse inhaled
breath bitten
lips
rhythmic sigh
mattress groaned
its own heartbeat
Author notes
Prompt: Sensual Haiku Chain (3)
My first Haiku chain. Feedback would be nice. 
(*whispers* I'm trying to impress Dalaney)
In a list
A contest entry
- Sensual Haiku by Dalaney.
1050 points, ended August 26, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Review Desired.
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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"rhythmic sigh
mattress groaned
its own heartbeat"
I love this...
one suggestion I can give you is to write poetry in present tense as much as possible if you are writing of a moment, esp. haiku If it's clearly something remembered from the past, then maybe not.
example just for the last one:
a rhythmic sigh,
mattress groans
its own heartbeat
beautiful poetry, Marty
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very very good.
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Ohh.. just beautiful! And delicately sensual!
Love it!
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Love,
Amera♥
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Very beautiful.
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OK, critical review: One question - is this actually haiku or, as it deals solely with human emotion and sensation, a kind of "serious senryu" in a category of its own? It does have a lovely feel to it.
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It is Senryu. But Senryu is a form of emotional Haiku. I tried to bring out some classic Haiku things like mentioning Spring, so it is a combination of sorts. Thank you very much for you compliments!
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Spring in one triplet, and mattress in another!
I do like it.
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Trying to impress Lane...it's like playing piano without a chair, isn't it? LoL
From what I've learned of haiku (which sure as hell isn't much), you're not supposed to use personification in haiku, which you did throughout...
but then...I only learned one way of doing the haiku (scratch that--still in Myron's class LMAO!!)
There are over 66+ ways to write haiku...this must be one of them.
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Yeah, they frown on all sorts of things like poetic devices, etc. I don't care about that part. Traditional Haiku rules are mostly pointless (in my opinion)
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I don't think it's "pointless". I think it takes awesome skill I do not possess to write a traditional (not as in 5-7-5) haiku amazingly.
I also think breaking rules is one of the groovier things about life.
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i find that the brevity in haiku is superior to the traditional form. Traditional form is merely an exercise. I did not say that people who do are writing pointless. I merely find writing something in that form pointless when there are other, more interesting ways.
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