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fairly common scenario

there's this loud silent drum;
apathy adamant in darkness.

it extinguishes atmosphere,
by means most cold.


(neighbors insistent with rumor,
actually have no concern.)


baneful to bones;
a lion cub loses tiny roar;

given instead mournful call,
to drown the pure colors,
of jungle-gyms once owned.

mom looks coarse in her spring dress.
(flowers don't always freshen existence.)


father's shadow is falling fast
(it's never cute to name your belt.)

 

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Desire gold member
    August 30, 2008

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    Thank You!!

    Thank You for Your entry: fairly common scenario
    This piece tugged hard at Spirit and while I was reading which I do several times~ Images come to me in many forms~ while taking in Your words: neighbors insistent with rumor- when I read this line- I was reminded how the whispers get carried on winds- but nothing more done to help the child locked behind windows- hidden behind a freshly mowed lawn- near perfect appearance It is sad when perception of the family nucleus is rosey but the smell of fowl ignored- After reading Your words- I'm shown the PTA mom who covers her black eye and threatens the child to not speak of why there are welts on her inner thighs- However this to be interpreted
    Whether metaphor or symbolism
    Hopefully the above comment makes some sense~
    Excellent take on the prompt ~
    Powerful images & message You have brought forth

    Thank You for sharing Your Voice and Spirit!
    Best wishes to You in the contest Sweet Soul
    **Judging will be done shortly...
    Many blessings too
    and much love & light~ Desire~*~


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    August 26, 2008

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    Yes.. a fairly common scenario indeed. Felt sad, whilst being beautifull written...


  • Cannonsfire
    August 25, 2008

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    love the ending lines in this lol reminds me of the saying a notch on your belt..when you scored with a girl guys would say that. You do the narrative style of poems so very well, this reads great out loud. Love, C


  • notorious gold member
    August 25, 2008

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    Your title is so damn RAD

    Okay, so I owe you another one of my rambles.

    "there's this loud silent drum;"
    Okay..."there's this"=cool ass narrative-ness
    "loud silent"=OMGOMGOMGOMG an oxymoron!
    I fuckin' love it. It's easy to spot & it's awesome.

    "apathy adamant in darkness."
    Alliteration spiced with a bit of literal & metaphorical darkness....

    "it extinguishes atmosphere,"
    LOVE.

    "by means most cold."
    Sounded too pretentious for me.
    But, I'm too easily patronized.

    "(neighbors insistent with rumor,
    actually have no concern.)"
    Those frucking bastards!

    "baneful to bones;
    a lion cub loses tiny roar;"
    "baneful to bones" sounded weird to me.
    I love the lion cub ditty...But it's sad!

    "given instead mournful call,
    to drown the pure colors,
    of jungle-gyms once owned."
    Inventive much? I love "pure colors"...what other forms of colors are there--impure? LoL
    "jungle gyms" doesn't really merit a hyphen, I don't think...

    "mom looks coarse in her spring dress.
    (flowers don't always freshen existence.)"
    'coarse'...what a weird context to use it in. I love it...the bracketed lines about flowers kind of cracks me up. Flowers are kind of overrated. I'd rather pick my nose. Okay, that's a LIE, but flowers are overrated. All they do is die & eventually stink the crap out of corpses. *is being cynical*

    "father's shadow is falling fast
    (it's never cute to name your belt.)"
    That ditty about the father is kind of sad...& then you have another hilarious & bracketed rejoinder about "it's never cute to name your belt."
    Hmm...what does that mean?

    Good luck. Me likes.


    • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
      August 25, 2008

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      "it's never cute to name your belt." - is about asshole fathers who will tell you, "It's time you had a chat with Mr. Spanky" or some crap like that.

      "baneful to bones" - the situation could bring about some broken bones..

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    August 25, 2008

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    Oh my gosh this is so sad well the picture is sad I do not know how anyone could ever harm a child in this way it does not make any sense to me at all taking away so much from someone that only wants to be loved and nutured and provided for it is very sad. Much love always

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