Falling down to darkness,
No one hears you scream.
Your life has turned to shambles,
And now your wicked eyes will gleam.
You're of the Devil's many allies,
As you are right now,
And the blackness of your soul,
Will take you farther down.
Death will claim you softly,
It fools you where you lay.
You think you've got a lifetime,
But you're withering away.
In the blackness, there's a break,
It's your savior's only way.
He's hoping, dreaming, praying,
That you'll see the light of day.
A shimmer through the clouds,
Comes a revelation new.
The demon in the shadows,
All along was you.
Author notes
Option 1: Picture 5, The Fall by `annejulie
A contest entry
- Three Years of Growth by bloved.
1450 points, ended October 12, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Picture Prompt by Fallen Grace.
800 points, ended October 22, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by leander.
730 points, ended November 30, 2008, 147 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options. Points will be added later. by Nicotine Eyes.
300 points, ended November 4, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options for the masses! by blackchapter.
550 points, ended November 18, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I love it! Well written, though the rhythm is a little off in the first and second stanza... I usually count the number of beats that each line adds up to, and then aim at matching every second line e.g. 8, 6, 8, 6 ...
Your ability to rhyme without ruining the feel of the poem is great! I actually feel hopeless for the fallen!
Great write and good luck in the contest!
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Hmm...
You did quite a good job with the rhyming here, though here and there it sounds a little bit forced. I'm not really a rhymer myself so I can not really judge on that, but that's how it felt like for me.
The flow of the poem is wobbly here and there, but that has probably something to do with the rhyme scheme you've captured in there..
Thanks for entering the contest
Leander -
This is a wonderful poem with a very interesting message behind it. I really enjoyed reading this and I love the rhyming. You have taken the picture and made it something else, I like what you did. Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest!
♥
-Kaela -
This has a pretty good rhyme scheme and it painted a picture. I actually took a look at the picture you used for inspiration and felt like it had a strong connection.
Nice job. Thanks for entering.
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Excellent poem. You have talent. Just one small typo on line 14 "It's your saviors only way." Should read "savior's".
The rhyme is good and it flows well.
Best of luck in the contest.
Be well,
Slayer
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You're kidding, this is not your second poem... very well-written, and it does flow well. I love the 3rd stanza about death... it's very well-worded and true. I also like how you wrote, "A shimmer in the clouds/ comes a revelation new." That's beautiful. By the way, welcome to allpoetry! Keep up the good work.
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LOL, if you didn't tell us it was only your second, I would have been fooled into thinking you were well experienced. "Death will claim you softly,
It fools you where you lay.
You think you've got a lifetime,
But you're withering away."
Thats amazing, keep it up, you have sweet writing skills :-P
P.S.
The rest of the poem is amazing as well, lol, I just thought it would be to long to quote the rest of my favorite parts :-P
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Welcome to AllPoetry
Excellent! The flow of imagery is strong and great; I loved the final stanza, "A shimmer through the clouds"
♥
Enjoy AllPoetry
Stay safe
~Manda
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