Your woman's body
delights my eyes
while your beauty
raptures my heart
a form a sign
making real into real
to me
you are ever naked
before beyond my eyes
my love
you are
where you give
your self
to me uniquely
for no-one else's eyes
too beautiful for those
uninvited there to meet
a place where vision
is only its own
your flower inside
such a flower
I'm blessed to have
and have no other way.
In a list
A contest entry
- your naked beauty... by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
300 points, ended September 6, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by aeolia.
400 points, ended October 26, 2008, 130 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Welcome any sincere response and critique
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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this is freakin' chillingly magical
smooth and beautiful
excellent write
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Very generous and encouraging comment... much thanks to you.
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this is sensual and wonderful, I like the emotion in it.
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The one thing that threw me off entirely was the lack of punctuation; I had no idea where to pause, break off, etc. Try reading this aloud and putting in punctuation wherever you deem it necessary. Even if you want this to read like you're in the rush and heat of love, as I'd assume, you can still break lines and add punctuation certain ways to make it that way without rendering your readers breathless and confused.
Without some restraint and strong, fresh imagery, erotic/love poetry degrades itself to sickeningly saccharine greeting card bullshit. This is not greeting card bullshit, but it's close and terribly rambly. I'd love to actually get a glimpse of this woman, of exactly why you love her. This just didn't do anything for me.
-hiraeth -
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I had intended to simply ignore your comment because while I could thank you for being honest about what little admits itself to your mind, I find what you've said quite ridiculous. It's now dawned on me that you are a contest holder, so I will respond after all. Who knows it may help you with any intended future ones.
People seem to have many different ideas about punctuation in modern poetry and while I admit to being no expert, all one has to do here is read each stanza in turn as intended and yes, please draw a breath as you need.
I suspect that I have less familiarity than you seem to, with your 'greeting card bullshit', however I know where the sentiment for this came from and as it's one, as you've said, you have entirely missed I really don't see how you can make such a comparison. I also suspect that you have spent too much time in the library and that this must be why 'this didn't do anything for you' and yet, 'you would 'love to get a glimpse'... hopefully one day you might, as you seem to be much in need of one.
I wish you well
Sol
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just a bizzare thought: to what an extent does the visible structure of a material or wordly object 'resonate' its invisible structure? I am preoccupied with the structure of ideas in the Classic Greek sense. And also this - Is it enough to just get a glimpse of a worldly object to provoke or entice or actually make us firmly believe that the inner world it brings out is the truth about this object? Hmmmm. G. I like the piece as it is transparent.
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Lovely Words
You have penned a wonderful heartfelt poem. Very romantic and full of love. A pleasure to read this morning. Take care.
Sandy
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Very romantic. I especially loved the last two lines. Beautiful piece, nicely done.
Enjoyed it,
~ Wendy
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Your woman's body
delights my eyes
while your beauty
raptures my heart
The use of the metaphor
admiring it petal by petal
Lovely Sir
your words mirrored your eyes
on how they see beauty
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Much thanks to you.
Sol
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This is seductively beautiful and shows the soul of a true man.Well done, Ros
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Hi Ros,
that's such a generous and kind comment to receive.
Thank you so much my friend.
Sol
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Such a beautiful piece.
I enjoyed reading it! Thank you for sharing
*Clappy* 
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Thank you Ylova
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This is a very lovely portrait of a man seeing a woman through his eyes alone.
where you give
your self
to me uniquely
for no-one else's eyes
too beautiful for those
uninvited there to meet
Brings a swell to my heart. Lovely interpertation of this contest.
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Thank you so much
Sol
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A beautiful heartfelt write about this very special person. Deep expression of emotion. Nice metaphor. Good word choice, nice alliteration and assonance. A much enjoyed read. Best wishes in the contest.
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Much thanks for your generous comment Shelly!
Sol
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you must really love this woman you are a master in expressing your feelings through your poetry
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I do, very much so.
... and thank you so much for your comment.
Sol
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Humm..you are so true and so much beautiful while expressing her.. and her beauty as well...I love it..well done..and my thanks for sharing it...
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Really my pleasure!
Much thanks to you, for your kind words and also for such a welcome invitation with your prompt.
Sol
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Loves soft brushes upon one's heart
I really loved this verse, beautifuly writen spoken with true love intention,
thank you for sharing
Rend
for no-one else's eyes
too beautiful for those
uninvited there to meet
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Much thanks Rend
Great name you have too.
Sol
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so soft...
you are her counterpoint of wind that blows
this was lovely
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Much thanks to you
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I hope this one wins...it has an ethereal quality yet perfectly solid at the same time...and ditto to Lucy's comment...can't speak about the mechanics...it makes one 'feel' beyond words...and it is perfect for a contest of this name...best of luck, Brother Sun ... Rhonda
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Haha...as promised, I have been TRYING to sit here and formulate a comment with a bit more substance. You'd think it'd be easy.... mention some favourite lines... explain my interpretation, etc, etc.
But the only thing that seems forthcoming is how it makes me FEEL, and attempting to put that into words is too much to ask.
Shall I say...whenever I read this of yours, and ANYTHING else of yours that has the same sentiment, my heart melts... and the melting swiftly extends to the very tips of my fingers... the tips of my fingers sitting on the keyboard and made incapable of typing something that does any justice at all to your poetry.
I simply love you.
...and thank YOU, ever so much, for loving me this way.X
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I couldn't ask for more than this...
and the more, is that you allow me to.
X
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X
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X
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:)))))
such profound and outstanding poem..i loved the feel of such writingvery well done my friend! you are amazing!
juliet
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Much thanks Juliet!
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oh, to look inside such a heart! you are a beautiful person. love, lane
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Thank you so much lane...
may I say that your 'eyes' must be at least as much so and I appreciate them very, very much.
Sol
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you are special
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You are so kind... which is very special.
Thanks Lane
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Beautiful love. There is an intimacy in this that makes me desire some of my own. That takes some skill, my friend.
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Such a wonderful comment!
No skill on my part... just given it seems!
Thank you so much!
... and may it be met swiftly.
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