city rainfall
and at my feet –ah!
the broken moon
garden shadowed
from early street-lamps –
what solitude
ripples spread out
the pool remembers
a frog was here
Author notes
A chain of three 4-5-4 haiku, each capable of being read on its own. Number 3 is actually a pre-write in its own right.
All three are an exercise in the use of “kireji” – in Japanese an actual “cutting word”, but in English often little more than a subtle caesura, or change in rhythm or grammar. I hope that a column about this will appear in due course.
In number 1, the kireji as an actual interjection of surprise, rather like the Japanese word “kana” which indicates bewilderment.
In number 2, the kireji is the dash at the end of line 2, which is a familiar conventional device in English haiku.
In number 3, I employ a device of my own, which is an actual word with a hint of finality or cutting, and with a subtle redundancy. In this case, the word is “out” at the end of the first line.
The whole chain is an expression of autumn. The clear “kigo” (seasonal word) is “moon”.
Actually, number three gives rise to a senryu of mine:
ripples splat out
the frog remembers
a pool was here
In a list
A contest entry
- Ribbon Sky- double tanka form or haiku chain up to three by saddie23.
450 points, ended September 14, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Accomplished work,
I can find nothing to add to your own excellent critique -
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{tipping my hat}
Thanks.
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there are SUPPOSED to be flaws and contradictions. That's the point!
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And there probably are.
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Wow!
Wow! impressive you have a beautiful ku here. I learned a well column about the "kirege". A well done in this form ku here poet. Your imagery is so much of the ribbon sky anology given. Express the color of the rainfall at the end of the day and the frog basking the beauty presented in the pool. I so much enjoyed the ku here. Saddie23 -
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Thank you very much for your kind comments.
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I never heard anyone say Kana! when I was living in Japan, though they do say, ah so, as do the Germans with their ach so! I like them each on their own.
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"kana" is a word I have only ever seen used in haiku, and I wouldn't know if it has any colloquial use - maybe not. I learn all the time.
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it's the general term for the symbolic Japanese scripts like Hiragana.
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Ah, of course! Now you mention that, I recognise that; but I think we are dealing with two homophones here.
Let me give you an (anglicised) example, written by Issa, translated by David Cobb:
yuki tokete
mura ippai no
kodomo kana
snow melts
and the village floods
with children
I love that poem. -
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kodomo means children and kana means something like wonder, which I guess could be interpreted as bewilder, though that doesn't work in this poem, which is not translated very literally. But it still doesn't demonstrate how the word would be used as an interjection, which is what you state in your notes. I was just curious about it but if poems need to be explained or taught, that is a distraction the poet invites.
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I am not suggesting that "kana" itself is an interjection. I felt I was being fairly clear here, that what I was doing was trying various devices in English to act as near to a conventional kireji as possible.
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This does exactly what Japanese poetry should do. With the least kana you managed the most image. Well done!
Love,
Amera♥
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Domo arigato, Amera-chan.
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You're welcome, Mairi-chan
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...all i can think of at the moment is how magical you are to read. Do you realize, truly realize, how above the top you really are?? Touching screen. Love, Lane
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Actually, I guess no I don't. See that one of yours I commented on earlier - that simply made my jaw drop, and made me wish I could write that well. I can't see anything "magical" in my own writing; I often think it is desperately poor! At least I look at it and wonder if it is any good.
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Lovely work, and I find your Author's Notes particularly useful in explaining this new-to-me haiku form.
Good stuff,
Bill
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Well, it's just the same old same old, only shortened.
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Oh yes, I agree with Melodies, I can smell Autumn
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These are just beautiful.
Meg~
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beautifully and clearly explained
Made to work well in balanced English syllables while showing the way the Japanese do it.
Lovely poetry and a lesson all in one, have an apple.
Not bad.
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I don't usually add copious notes, but I thought I would treat this as a "workshop piece". I have always written haiku, but I am only just getting any good at it. Thanks for your comments. {eats the apple}
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Like it... like it... LOVE IT! Like being right there in the picture of autumn.
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Exactly what I am aiming for, Marilynn. Thank you.
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