Add another mark to the record
'Cause this is one more broken record
A few more slits to a bleeding hand
Starving kids in high demand
Shoving knives right through your hand
Children dying as much as they can
Ladies please go sell yourselves
And let the poor die with no help
Turning self esteem into shit
And killing yourself with that finally hit
People, welcome to the world you live in
Unless you get tired of living
So take a number and jump in line
It's the end of the world with one last battle cry
'Cause we the enemy as ourself
Leave you to die by yourself.
A contest entry
- Thoughts by Ltecho13.
450 points, ended September 7, 2008, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the simple truth.. by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
300 points, ended August 30, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Life is about Options by Darkwell.
1050 points, ended September 1, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Speak out! by Luna Argintie.
930 points, ended September 9, 2008, 205 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sparrow Song by Shya.
800 points, ended September 17, 2008, 59 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Add another mark to the record
'Cause this is one more broken record
A few more slits to a bleeding hand
Starving kids in high demand
Shoving knives right through your hand
Not a great fan personally of repeating words to make a rhyme.
Can't really help you with the first but perhaps
land could be used instead of hand either replacement would work be it first or second. -
theres this anger in here that is brilliant about how so many just jump into the abyss without any help and how the world is so full of pain and atrocity. you penned this very well. WTG good luck in the contest
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Hummm...you touched with the truths of the life..very moving task you did..I love it...and my thanks for sharing it..well done...
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I like the rhythm and the frustrated, angry feel this holds. The message is clear. Just a few lines need a tweak here and there to keep the rhythm smooth. Lines 9 & 10...maybe try: 'Turn your self esteem into shit, Kill yourself with that final hit.' Line 12: 'Unless you're tired of the livin'(gives the rhyme more punch like your first two lines, I felt); Line 14: its a bit too long, maybe try: 'Its the end of the world-the last battle cry'; and Line 16: 'Are leavin' you all to die by yourself.' I thought it gave more present tense to the text considering the title is 'the life we're LIVING'...Just suggestions. As I stated earlier its a good strong write. Best of luck. Peace, Rhonda
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Hmm. I like some lines and think this poem has a good message, but I don't think the repetitions and the word "shit" do anything for your poem. I like the "Starving kids in high demand" and "children dying as much as they can" lines, they seem to be a creative way of drawing attention to this issue. You misspelled "dying" and in the line "Ladies please go sell yourself", the last word is supposed to be "yourselves". I think this poem has a strong basis and a lot of passion. Keep writing
~Diana
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reminds me of myself some times good luck in my contest
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