We feel their thoughts
huddled like street boys over a game
of dice, we know they are up to
no good, these thoughts
that fill up their cocks into
tight red fists ready, oh so ready
to strike and pummel
so we soothe, lay our soft
simple hands across their heads,
whisper low pleas, kiss their lips
as if they were the bellies of lambs,
so sweet so sweet -
the boys begin to fade
back into the alleyways, while our
hearts pound, and our fingers
tremble over buttons and tracks;
we never underestimate
but we are ready, oh so ready
to forgive them.
In a list
A contest entry
- A Patron Favorite PIF by onerios13.
10000 points, ended December 4, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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wow
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very, very good. And yes, we do forgive them way too easily.
Excellent work, missed this somehow.
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Fortunately ...
I never expected to get anywhere in this contest, so reading this doesn't depress me at all.
Your cheering section has covered all the bases.
Bon travail ici.
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Wow
I have every reason to hate this
But when a blunt instrument impacts my id, the sound does register. So well done; and I'm forever grateful for the forgiveness, and in need of more.
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We feel their thoughts
huddled like street boys over a game
of dice
This piece makes me realize why I love the raw intensity of Buk, the straight-shooting language mixed in with such humane musings and insights. This held meat within its short bones, and compact and impactful, it made my jaw hurt from the ceaseless chewing of such succulent words.
Bravo.
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Indeed! Living to forgive, and so it seems we must, and I guess that is why we do.
My do I ever know these words. There's a hole that I walk in all the time. The killer; I know the hole is there, and do not bother to go 'round it, or leap over... ~Sigh
I feel every word Sis'. It's okay, just proves your wings never molt. I wish you well in the challenge.
Always ♥
Renee
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I am terrified. I don't get this
That is I can't hang words on what your words mean
I only feel them
They feel like truth
This is how it is supposed to work -
Amen sister! I love this one continuous thought and you used just the right words and format to convey it. We are always ready to forgive them.
Love it Lane...
♥Becky♥
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Another great write with great use of metaphors. I like it.
Nevadapoet
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Your use of metaphor is wonderful, you create such a story to cover your hidden messages so beautifully, well done and best to you
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So powerful!! Great job.
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WOW!!!!!
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i never understood...the beauty i found in concrete pavement and three walled allies...and never did i feel the soft hand or gentle kiss of forgiveness
being i was the ball hard hit against the wall
then rolling out on the street
and a car screeches... to late to stop
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An alley cat and a soothing tamer inside all of us and so good to hear both their voices.
Excellent!
Sol
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Great use of metaphor and imagery. Well done.
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Young dumb and full of cum
We were the boys of yesteryear,
Devils that smelled of bubblegum
There was little that we did fear.
Loved this Lane, kind of reminded of my boyhood.
Once again, you have mixed thought with words and concocted something tasty.
All the best in the contest,
with much love,
mj.
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"but we are ready, oh so ready
to forgive them."
Raw and powerful. Lack of sleep is good for you!
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I don't know where to start with this one, Lane. Where did this come from? It is subtly different from the bulk of your work (which is pretty damn good anyway!).
"kiss their lips
as if they were the bellies of lambs"
- that is a head-turner of a phrase. I am quite used to your startling us with your use of language... or I ought to be.
You have shifted up a whole gear, and blown the doors off my buggy!
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I love that first stanza...excellent metaphor, lol...this is great
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yes indeed, another of those writes who's brilliance blasts the shadows of supposedly competitive contest entries, sorta super nova of talent evaporating planets, alleyways and anything else in its path, with softness.
nicely done indeed, like a nicely formed solar system around Vega.
And yes, Jessica is not only a talent in her own right, but has a sense of humor that I can relate to. Hard to imagine she's just 15 huh? A real hoot too boot,
(damn, does that rhyme?)
Len
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utter brilliance, how am I supposed to write against this in the contest
great stuff!
I love it
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oooh, my little night owl is awake!
Of course you will enter and you will
astound us all the way you always do.
xxoo Lane
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WHAT?!?!?! We now have 15 year olds telling us how to write . . . okay!!!!!!!!!!
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lol...she is brilliant! and works for free! i love her How are you, Marc? Thank you so much for stopping in...Laney
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phantasyintrig's edit made me think. Maybe I should find something,and point it out. O look a period.
Love Joe
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LOL!
omg, Joe, thank you for the laugh. I love you. Lane
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you do a wonderful job telling your stories. I get caught up in every poem i read of yours. this one is no different. maybe one dy you ladies won't have to forgive us men for we'll know how to act... Best of luck in the contest.
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C
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"We feel their thoughts
huddled like street boys over a game
of dice,"
Hmm. I think "over a game" should be in the same line break as "of dice". Maybe.
I actually think the below portion could be on a separate stanza.
"we know they are up to
no good, these thoughts
that fill up their cock’s into
tight red fists ready, oh so ready
to strike and pummel"
"cock's==>cocks
You're talking about...er, more than one LMAO & plus it's not possessive form.
Otherwise...this was your usual brilliance...a poem with a dose of the usual prose-esque feel that I love so much.
Oh yeah, & I like your title isn't found ANYWHERE in the poem--much more phantasyintriguing that way...LMAO.
*sounds very vain*
Anyways...
I think that last stanza is PERFECTION.
Your repetition throughout the poem is very effective & narrative...e.g. "we are ready, oh so ready"
Love!!!
Good luck...& I hope my constructive criticism didn't offend you (or anyone else who will undoubtedly comment)--I practically never have any for you so yeah.
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are you kidding me?? lol I LOVE your advise and your keen eye - it's like having my own personal editor You catch what my tired mind fails to see, and besides...I adore you Love, Lane
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Okay then.
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I like it.
It really is up to us.
I hope the weather has not been as bad for you as it has been here.
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