Love is a desert,
and too quickly I fell
under the shadow of your
predatorial embrace.
My pride was immobilized by
your alpha-male size
and fatal sexual sting.
You grasped me in
your giant pedipalps
and injected potent venom
to paralyze and subdue me.
You created hallucinogenic phantasies
and trained my brain to believe
this dreadful pain was ecstasy.
You found my weak spot, baby.
Vulnerable and exposed,
you had me so drugged I didn't know
you were actually murdering me.
Author notes
Prompt: "Scorpion"
Explanation of Terms (Information and picture found on this site: www.desertUSA.com):
"Desert" and "Death Valley" - The deserts of California and Arizona contain the largest variety of scorpion species in the world (over 60) - but only one species known to be fatal or dangerous to humans: the Bark Scorpion. Death Valley has the highest temperature of the North American deserts, at 134 degrees F.
"Predatorial embrace" - Scorpions are actual predators. They take prey into a deadly grip and "inject venom" to "immobilize" the poor struggling creatures. After the prey is paralyzed, it is subjected to an acid spray that breaks down the tissues to allow the scorpion to suck up the remains.
"Pedipalps" - The pedipalps are used in scorpion courtship behavior. The male uses his pedipalps to grab the female by hers and drag her to a suitable mating place. Some species include a "sexual sting" of the female by the male.
Scorpion stings cause a blurring of the consciousness.
"Phantasies" is spelled intentionally, as a tribute to the contest judge.
A contest entry
- Deux. by notorious.
546 points, ended August 27, 2008, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you really think. Criticism welcomed.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Love this whole thing..."this dreadful pain was ecstacy" terrific line, and such a very thin line between the two. Terrific write!
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Hood-Wink!
There is an ease and flow in your style, your choice of words made for clear understanding...I like your sad but beautiful approach in what seemed at first, a love story until the shocking end of a precious life...Engaging read!
Congratulations on the bronze
You have been Hood-Winked by a Poetic Bandit
Love and smiles ~Lilac
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Congratulations on your bronze!! What an fantastic poem rich with metaphors and imagery. I loved the sense of barrenness this gave me while reading. The vivid imagery of the burning sting of love exposed in the desert sun. As the desert sun cooled into night, the soul slowly becoming phosphorescent as love cools and dies. While the incorrect spelling of fantasy was intentional it actually accentuated the hallucination of a brain washed love. Kudo's abound my friend. My hat's off with a lowly bow to you!
tmd
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This is a great presentation. From font color to photo to your wonderful words. A 110 out of 100.
Joe
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Loved the simile Allie, a most powerful penning that left me smiling oddly enough. All the best in the contest hun!
With much love,
mj.
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Few things generate the instinctive fear that scorpions do. This is a fantastic poem and I am truly impressed. One of your best. I don't even know where to begin. It is all just excellent.
Good luck in the contest.
Garrison
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Damn hun!
You have taken the word Scorpion and created a masterpice that is vividly stunning and amazing.
One of your very bests!
Best of luck!
♥
Stay safe
Love to you
~Manda
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you had me so drugged I didn't know
i love every line its hard to even pic favorites the writing if fabulous and i love the connection to the scorpion great write and good luck in the contest
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WOW!
This is great!
What a vivid imagination and brilliant choice of words...
"My pride was immobilized by
your alpha-male size
and fatal sexual sting.
You grasped me in
your giant pedipalps..."
Simply AWESOME!
Wish you the best in the contest
Take care
David
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Love in DeathValley
I can relate to this poem--kind of like the situation I am in now--Struggling dows no good for I am dancing to her needs and wants be I care for her --so it will be until she releases me or claims me.
All this depends on her.
Good Write!--I like the flow.
bw
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LMAO
I loved both the poem & your Author's Notes. I have to say 'pedipalps' sounds SO damn dirty, & I'm not surprised now that I know what it means.
"Love is a desert,"
Yes. I can feel the heat.
Wow, I must be in a really lame jocular mood. Sorry.
"and too quickly I fell
under the shadow of your
predatorial embrace."
I love the word 'shadow' & "predatorial embrace" is VERY cool--somebody's attacking you but showing their love for you at the same time.
How's that for diabolically twisted?
"My pride was immobilized by
your alpha-male size
and fatal sexual sting."
'immobilized' is a kick-ass word choice & "alpha-male size" well, makes me think of "Size matters". LoL!!
"You grasped me in
your giant pedipalps
and injected potent venom
to cease all struggling."
"giant pedipalps" You're cracking me up Allie.
I also love the words 'injected' & 'venom'.
The line I think could do with a tiny bit of polishing it "to cease all struggling." I'm not a fan of gerunds...maybe something like==>"to cease my struggles". Maybe.
"You created hallucinogenic phantasies
and trained my brain to believe
this dreadful pain was ecstasy."
I like the inconsistent rhyme, & of course the spelling of 'phantasies'. Makes me grin.
'ecstasy'<--the drug, the state of mind. It's just a cool word!!
'hallucinogenic' makes me think of mushrooms You put a twist on it & made it phantastic!! LoL
"You found my weak spot, baby.
Vulnerable and exposed,
you had me so drugged I didn't know
you were actually murdering me."
Metal lyrics anyone? Go submit them to Amy Lee--seriously.
In this case, I like 'murdering' even though it's a gerund.
This is wicked cool & I'm so glad you found your muse for this contest!!!
Jessica
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I just love your comments.
I fixed the line with "struggling" - please let me know if it suits your tastes better now or still needs work After reading it, I agreed it didn't flow very well that way.
Haha - actually, Blue October's song "History for Sale" has the lyrics:
"So tell me have I found your weak spot baby?"
Thanks so much. Glad you liked. I'm still working on your other contest.
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"to paralyze and subdue me."
I think that's a LOT better. 'paralyze' is a cool word, & makes me think of the song "Paralyzer" (used to like it a lot until it got so much airplay I got sick of it. 
)
However...I think it could be even better.
Possibly ==>"to subdue me"
And then maybe on a separate line break in italics: "Now paralyzed ..."
I dunno, the thought just occurred to me. Not sure if you like that suggestion, it's cool this way too.
Nice inspiration with the song.
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You know, I did realize where that "you've found my weak spot, baby" came from until you mentioned it sounding like rock song lyrics... then I thought, where have a I heard that?
LOL. Funny how music creeps into our poetry.
I will consider your latest suggestion... I may leave it as is for now though.
Thanks!!! -
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Tell me if you change it or not.
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Excellent take on the prompt. I love the way you personalized it. Three bunnies for a supreme effort.
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