So wrapped up in you
My lips on yours
We kiss with all the passion we pocess
but then I realize your lips are really my pillow
damn this audience
my wanted alone time with you
keeping me from my fantasy
Id stay in bed all day so I could see your face behind my closed lids
your my beautiful secret
I really hate to keep
so many admireers I have to deny
for reasons I cannot tell
Author notes
this one is wayyyy too forced but i just am sorta sick of having to put aside Alex for other people sometimes..
XmaxyXmeowX
Amaranthine Lover
A contest entry
- Best Prewrites From August 2008 by amaranthine lover.
2450 points, ended October 8, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This one was much to forced in my opinion...
Comments
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this is a very sweet piece though
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Aw, poor dear...something is not forced when you need to release...emotions and worries and thoughts are like birds in a cage and are healthiest when allowed to roam and gather strength. By releasing from your soul, you've in an effect cleansed yourself, at least for a little while. It's quite theraputic.
I loved the first stanza...it starts so yearning and romantic, then WHAM you hit me with the hook:
"but then I realize your lips are really my pillow"
I laughed and cried and sighed and experianced a million other emotions along with you, all because of that one purpuseful line...it really set this poem apart from a regular emotion drain to a piece of art.
because this is a release sort of writ, revisions are probably not at the top of your list, but as a guideline, go back and proofread/spellcheck (admireers?)
and perhaps add a bit more depth to the third stanza, but apart from that, good job!
*claps*
~Hippie
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