The frame of my cage is delicate.
Simple, wire, so elegant,
He left holding it to me,
As he wandered off, taking the key.
Closing my eyes,
Head to the skies,
I can feel him here,
outside the cage, so close. so near.
Inside my cage I soften.
Wondering more than often,
When he'll return, and how,
he would ever allow,
me to leave this cage.
I'm surrounded by beauty that I cannot touch,
The thought of which causes me to blush,
But in a rush,
The dark comes in,
I fell the chill of the wind,
And wrap my self into my cage.
Author notes
http://trixypixie.deviantart.com/art/keep-you-forever-95296726
A contest entry
- picture i n s p i r a t i o n by freestallion.
380 points, ended September 9, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I love this Chu, Where have you been?/
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This is a sweet poem, but there are some typos. I really like where you've taken the prompt though! Thanks for entering my contest!
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Wow that's amazing how you craptured the [icture you piainted keep going
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good job
I liked the theme of this poem. It was intriguing and made me want to read more. It kind of wrapped me up and held me there (!)
I didn't really find the rhymes forced, but if they were, they actually worked towards the poem's overall sensibility.
This had a natural, light believable quality. -
The theme behind this poem was very powerfull, but to me the poem its self was lacking a little. Some of the rhymes seemed forced, as if you were rhyming because you HAD too. that takes a way from the overall flow of the poem. The goal is when using a stlye of poetry that uses rhymes is to make the rhyming so smooth and natural that it doesnt stick out and is just another part of the overall poem. The rhythem also through me off. It is not necessary to focus on rythem when writing poetry, but when you are using rhymes its almost natural for the readers to read it with a certain beat in their head. The rhytem of the poems changes so much that it through the reader off.
As i said before, the idea behind this poem is very powerful, so work with what you got.
and im just one person so dont take me too seriously. -
You threw mw with the last line. It seemed your lover had you trapped. May I suggest a change in a sharks fin. You talk all through this as if it was a person.
A couple of mistakes were made. See below.
elagant,>elegant
close. so> comma
It's not something I'm crazy over but with editing I could see something beautiful emerge. Rose
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