Wandering over porous terrain
gradual incline, becoming steep.
Dense, barren forest altering path,
saplings underfoot breaking stride.
Destiny's end lays beyond vision,
making headway, steadily determined.
Nooks, shallow crevices, open plains,
coarse terra firma becoming cotton smooth.
Deep shade under sudden canvas sky,
stumbling over unseen obstacles.
Distant light just beyond, shadows fade,
causing temporary displacement.
Resuming course after triangulation,
approximately half way, by calculation.
Journey becoming easy, less burdensome.
softer footing, sparse foliage.
Twin peaks, valley between...Decisions,
causing pause for discernment.
Correct path determined, proceeding
with arrogant belief.
Tremors alert senses, danger approaches
overhead, lurking somewhere.
Unseen force striking, direct hit, hurling
immediately groundward.
Misguided plan stopped by God's hand.
Author notes
POW Contest
Theme: an ant's view of climbing someone's body, only to be swatted off by the person's hand. Y'all thought it was a metaphor, huh? 
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended August 25, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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There seems to be a moral here but I'm not certain what it is. Thanks for your entry and happy trails
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Poor ant! This is nothing less than sensational
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Congrats on the gold, a beautiful piece indeed. Hugs, Bunny
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Great job! Congrats on the Gold!
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thank you, it was definitely exciting, down to the wire!
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congrats on the gold, here's some more gold guys for ya
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thank you, much appreciated!
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This is incredibly beautiful; so complex a write, about something so simple. Yet I doubt that journey is simple to an ant, rather like Everest! You've captured the futility of it with a depth any poet might hope to achieve in a poem - well done, fine work, I am glad you won gold and not I!
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Hi Tim, and welcome to the PO contests
I guess one advantage of commenting late is that I already know how your poem faired, so first off, congrats on the gold!
There really isn't much to critique in this. The only issue I had was one Bear mentioned briefly, and that's that the imagery seemed to...well...drag, a bit? Toward the middle especially, I really started to question where this person or thing was going, and if they were ever going to get there. I thought a little more on the actual struggle of the journey would have given it a tad bit more depth and feeling, also a nice metaphorical touch. I do question if there's quite enough information in the poem for the reader to realized at the end it's an ant you're writing about...without the author note I think it'd be a little tough, but even my original interpretation before looking at the AN was good, so not too much to complain about there. All in all, a wonderful, creative, and amusing write that I very much enjoyed. Thanks so much for bringing it to the POW and hope to see more of you in the future.
Best wishes,
~J. -
I am sorry that I did not get to comment on this piece last night but did get my score in and by that I hope that you know that I thought this was just amazing Congratulations on your well deserved gold best wishes and much love
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Lovely theme and excellent write. Great word choices and phrasing. Wonderful entry. My scores say the rest:
Title 9.8...I would click on this Title... very engaging.
Flow 9.80....meter is great....there were no places to stumble upon, it scanned and read smoothly.
Depth 9.80....excellent depth, very captivating read.
Theme 9.80..unique Theme... that just drew me in.
Feelings 9.80...emotion was quite good, it held me through the piece.
Grammar 9.9....excellent.., with many a lovely turn of phrase.
Presentation 9.80....great, smooth and even.
Uncommonness 9.8 ...well it is not an overused theme, so very creative here.
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8... well this scored good in this department for me, because there was really a lot to ponder over, it was compelling and made me look beyond the words.
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect
Cupcrazy's Score: 98.3
Excellent!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~ -
I really love the theme for this. very fun to read and see how you went about writing it. some excellent word choices and thought. love the journey you took us through, very nice write.
Theme - 10... loved it.
Flow - 9.6... I always read poetry aloud, I wasn't digging the flow in this one as much as everything else. still not bad at all though.
Title - 9.8... pretty good.
Rules - 10.
Depth - 9.8... nice depth, nice length.
Thoughts - 9.9... some interesting thoughts.
Word use - 9.8... loved some of the stuff you cooked up. I like your style.
Emotion - 9.5... not so much.
Clarity - 9.6... good.
Uniqueness - 9.7... pretty unique.
total - 97.7
very good score.
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Hi - welcome
I probably would not click on this title - to me it conjures up an image of an airplane ride, or perhaps a hot air balloon - something along those lines. I do, however, feel it fits this write - though I think it could be stronger...lol
This is a unique theme to me, and you were very creative with it.
Excellent wording and images. Loved your descriptions, especially after I read your AN's and realized it was an ant you were talking about
- I was picturing a mountain climber feeling an earthquake tremor!!! Loved it!!
Although, personally, I am not a fan of verses that have every other line capped - this read well. Punctuation looked good and very neat presentation.
On personal appeal - I loved it! It will score very nicely on that. Best wishes in the contest
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. -
Hi, and welcome to the POW!
Yeah...you got me! I laughed out loud when I got to
the end and read the AN.
I loved the write before I read the theme..and after..
I adored it!!
Great use of language, nice flow, extremely clever
topic. Can't find a thing to fault here. This is my
favorite read in this contest so far.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you
in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Hello Tim
So glad you could you join us again this week....I fell right into your thoughts......the ONLY problem I have with this write...is.....God, at the end, instead of *mans hand*
The reason I say this, is because your Notes say *a persons hand* ~
I went along each turn and struggle with your character...I did feel as thouhg you re-ran your imagery a few times....and not moving me along asmuch as I wanted....but still a speacil Theme pened by one of the finest talents I have read as of late ~
You have several other Judges coming behind me....so please be patient as we cross your beautiful words of expression and visionary insight ~
Good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.6...I would click on this Title, yet I do not feel it enhances this great write -
Flow 9.95....meter is very nice....but, did you know the Filler Words are not banned this contest
...excellent job without them -Depth 9.65....great depth, just not enough movement....for me -
Theme 9.95..great Theme.... your approach is superb..creative!-
Feelings 9.85...great job..personification seems to lack abundance of info though...most, only imagery, and that is not enough sometimes -
Grammar 10....nice job..only 3rd time I have ever given 10 in grammar.....and twice is for your talents -
Presentation 9.9....not really a fan of all same length stanzas....break it up...get creative!
Uncommonness 9.9...nice..move me around more in your writes though -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Bears Score: 98.6
Another great score
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
Sparse....barren....pourus.....shallow.....such superb visions withing this write
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Hi Bear,
I'll be honest with you in saying that the title came last -- and also took me longer than coming up with the concept! So, I understand the weakness of it's grab.
Repeated imagery...The human body, to an ant's eye, is pretty much repeated For a different texture, I had him go under the person's short!
Hand of God...To an ant, perhaps the hand unseen was from God? I didn't want to give away the size of the subject in relative to who/what he was climbing.
Personification...Again, I didn't want to give away the subject's physical limits. One reader commented, saying she pictured "soldiers crossing rugged terrain only to be ambushed at the last second.." ~ if I had made it a singular personna, she wouldn't have thought plural.
Just my thoughts in response. Thank you for your honest review & comments.
~ Tim -
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Flow 9.95....meter is very nice....but, did you know the Filler Words are not banned this contest ...excellent job without them -
~ Actually, no. I wrote this when the filler word rule was still in effect. Regardless, one's brain stretches more when obstacles such as missing filler must be gotten around!
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Wow..I had images of soldiers crossing rugged terrain only to be ambushed at the last second.. Glad it was an ant Good luck in the contest
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Lol yup I did think it was a mmetaphor! You certainly show what talent you have to be able to create this
I'll tell ya that if it were climbing my body it would be one crevice after another
I had to laugh to myself at 'twin peaks'
All the besyt with this. Excellent imagery and thought here.
Gaylene
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