He took his life
into his own hands.
It stayed there for a while,
quite pleasantly,
and then it dropped.
For just a moment,
he knew that it was dropping.
But it wasn't a boomerang,
a basketball, a baseball
or a tennis ball.
Heavier than all of those,
it dropped and lay quite still.
It did not roll or bounce.
Author notes
I looked for the filler words rule. Has it been dropped?
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended August 25, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
So, what's your opinion of this?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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and it should have bounced. I like what you did with these and it seems a good ending Well done
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Much to think about, life is precious. Great write
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13 of the 25 lines, that is.
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Hi Judy,
Wow...well...I'm really not sure what to say about this poem.
It has a rather interesting feel to it, but still a little too vague IMO also. I think the main thing here would be to identify who "he" is somehow. I also felt there might have been a great metaphor brewing in those last two lines...but again, just not enough information. 
You are right that repetition can sometimes be a very effective technique, but in this case...it's as if a little too much emphasis gets put on that one word, "dropped" (or "dropping") and I think (though I may be wrong?) you'd want more emphasis on this mysterious "he" we're reading about. For this line:
"he knew that it was dropping." I thought "falling" might be a better choice?
You used only 13 of the 25 you're allowed in the POW...I'd really love to see you add to this poem. In my mind, it has huge potential to be a knock-out. I feel like you may have even had someone specific in your mind when you wrote this but were maybe afraid to really spell it out? I could be way off base with that, but I do know there are times we have a tendency to be vague when we're contemplating something in our lives but are a little afraid to voice what we really feel. IF that's the case...I hope you can get past that fear and turn this into the gem I see beneath that coating of obscurity.
Thanks so much for entering the POW, and I do apologize for the late comment. I hope to see you in the POM coming soon!
Best wishes,
~J.
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Well this one lost me as well, it started out like it was going to be quite compelling and then it just kind of faded away. My scores are:
Title 9.1...I would not click on this Title... very unappealing title.
Flow 9.25....meter is choppy....
Depth 9.15....can't get the depth because I really didn't get the topic.
Theme 9.15..again not sure what it is.
Feelings 8.0...I felt nothing, sorry.
Grammar 8.9....simple, not very poetic.
Presentation 9.0....plain and straightforward
Uncommonness 8.9 ...again without comprehension it is hard to gage.
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.9... did nothing for me, except make me wonder what it was about.
Ability to follow Rules 9.5...missing info
Cupcrazy's Score: 89.85
Needs work!
No editing once a judge has touched your work~
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Another nice review ~
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hmmmm I'm not sure what's going on in this one. It's okay, I don't really like this part:
"But it wasn't a boomerang,
a basketball, a baseball
or a tennis ball."
you suddenly started listing things? just keep it to two objects max if you're gonna do that. totally took me out of the poem.
Theme - 8.5... no idea what the theme is.
Flow - 9.5.... not bad.
Title - 9.3... eh not a fan of this title.
Rules - 9.5... missed a few key rules.
Depth - 9.5... seems deep.
Thoughts - 9.3... some interesting thoughts with the boomerang etc dropping lighter than something else. wish I knew what it was though.
Word use - 9.0... nothing really special.
Emotion - 9.3... I don't see much emotion at all. + nothing to connect it to like another judge pointed out.
Clarity - 8.5... not clear at all.
Uniqueness - 9.0... wasn't sure.
total - 91.4
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Hi there I am not sure whjat the theme is which makes it hard for me to follow the images are good I just wish that there was more of it so I could understand it and grasp ahold of what I was reading my score will be sent in at the end of the contest
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Hi - nice to see you back
I would probably click on this title - just to see what it was about.
Your theme - I wasn't sure on that as it wasn't listed. I do feel, though, that this is very creative.
I like what you have here - the wording is good (other than the repeats)...and there not being enough here to get a good grip on. The images were good - what you have is well done and has a good impact.
I think your punctuation looks good, but for flow I would use a semi-colon in the first verse at the end of the 2nd line after the word 'hands'; then drop the capping on the next word and continue with the flow of that verse. And I also think I, personally, would have set the last line apart from your 2nd verse - for added impact.
All in all, I liked this. Short, but I felt had a good impact. Best wishes in the contest
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. -
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Nice review Boom!
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Thank you.
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Hi, and welcome to the POW!
Oh, this is a great START of something..but I needed to
know so much more!
Why did he drop it? Why didn't he try and catch it?
Once it landed, did he try to retrieve it? Who is "HE"? Oh..the endless possibilities!
Good, basic form and flow here. No beating around the
bush, sort of 'just the facts, ma'am' poetry, but it
leaves me so up in the air. No resolution.
Unfortunately, for me, this poem did just what the
man's life did..it dropped, and lay quite still.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you
in the contest.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Hello Judy ~
You did leave out info for your AN's
Not sure what your Theme is.....was wanting to know who *He* is/was all throuhgout your write....but the head rolling, as cutie mentioned, sounds good to me!
I do wish you had utilized every line available to you here.....I was really getting into your thoughts.....and then boom!
...you *dropped* me
Speaking of which.....repeating words is a huge no-no, for me.....don't take me backwards in thought....keep me moving forward
You shall have a number of other Judges coming behind me....please be patient as we all make our way across your age
Good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.6....Cap your Title...I would click on this Title just to see what it was about -
Flow 8.95....meter is basically perfect..but Prose Tone throughout ....don't forget that beautiful Poetic Voice which we look for -
Depth 8.7....no depth....wanted more..25 line Max is not used
-Theme 8.5....not sure what your Theme is about -
Feelings 9.1..not sure what to think, as there's no one to attatch these feelings to, except, *HIM* -
Grammar 8.9....simplistic grammatical choices..reach deeper next time -
Presentation 9.0....not really a fan of this format....maybe a few couplets...a quatrain here or there? -
Uncommonness 8.6...not sure about this Theme....looking for more info -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.5...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 9.5....missing info in AN -
Bears Score: 90.15
Ouch!
I know you shall do better next time.....let's see what your other Judges have to say
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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So sad... I had a morbid vision of a head bouncing away from a torso, with hands reaching out to retrieve it!. I always did have a vivid imagination Good luck in the contest
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Yes,the filler word rule has been dropped.A shame really because it really challemges the mind.A different theme but I think you may get a few comments aboit the amount of times you use dropped or dropping.Have a quick look before the judging starts, Ros
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Hadn't noticed all those droppings
but sometimes repetition can be used as an effective technique.
Thanks for the comment.
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