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Stress

Finger triggers inert fragrance,
wisp slips anxiously through nostril
as metallic skin ices.

Hidden particles burst revelation,
clarity pervades the morning.

Solar flare concentrates on mid-day's bubble bath,
Difluoroethane drivers feverishly crash-
a demolition derby of inexcusable submission.

Thermal ambiance invades, intends to
smother anarchical reactants.


Inescapable, the poignant poker,
stimulation scatters spirit-living shrapnel-

where normalcy once breathed.

Author notes

*POW Contest*

theme: can of air exploding/personal agendas


RULES!
* Black Font -
* Fresh Poetry -
* No Reserving -
* 25 Lines or Less -
* White Background -
* Keep It In Poetic Form -
* No Epic or Short Stories -
* No Poetry in Forms allowed -
* Graphics/Borders Are Not Allowed -
* No Massive Cursing or Hard Erotica -
* Place Theme or Topic in Authors' Notes -
* Place *POW Contest* in your Authors' Notes -
* No Editing After A Judge Has Touched Your Work -
* CAPPING every line is NOT allowed, unless required -

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • trista gold member
    August 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hi there!

    My apologies for the late comment...but hopefully my scores told the story of how well I believe you did with this piece. The areas I had the most trouble with were depth/feelings, the title, and imagery. The poem gave me some interesting pictures to ponder over, but none that were what I'd call "concrete". I also notice a lot of adjectives, which is something to be aware of when you're writing. The most power and impact will come from strong nouns and verbs, with a select few adjectives and/or adverbs. If you cut this down to "bare bones" and remove the descriptive words...S3 for example:
    "flare concentrates on bath,
    drivers crash-
    a derby of submission."
    As you can see, there isn't a lot left...and that is probably why I (and others, from the comments I've seen) had some problems really knowing what this was about without those author notes. Despite that...you have some wonderful phrases combined with a unique theme, and it does give one a lot to think on long after reading it. A really nice job, all in all.

    Congrats on the HM, and I hope we see more of your talents in PO contests to come!

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


    • Solo Wisp gold member
      August 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Many thanks for explaining a bit about concrete poetry to me. I am an abstract artist and this will help me further expand my capabilities.

      I find the problem with paring down to the bare bones is that sometimes the stanza loses its meaning and flavor ... in this stanza it is presumptuous of me to think this can is in a hot car and could be expressed much better from my standpoint. However, solar is in regards to the sun and the flare, its heat ... the bubble bath referring to the contents within. Eliminating Difluoroethane would be a no-no since that is the actual chemical mixed into the air of this particular can. Feverishly is redundant on my part though, as these molecules are trying to escape and one should be able to deduce that in regards to excessive heat.

      At the end of the stanza, the opposite meaning came out by paring it down to the bare bones. I'd prefer the submission to be inexcusable rather than allowable.

      I see by the first line that I should have made the initial metaphor clear by creating a line that links to the others, perhaps a forgetful person leaving the can in a car after the job was done or something similar. *sigh*

      I see much room for improvement with my poem. Your critique made me think and ponder a bit about what I wrote and what I wanted to convey. Also it opens up another door of discovery, into the concrete world.

      Thank you very much for taking the time to break this down for me.

      Steve

      • trista gold member
        August 26, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        Oh! I'm so, so sorry if I made it sound like you should pare it all down to "bare bones"! No, not my intention at all. That was just an example of what the actual "meat" of the poem consisted of. Descriptive words are necessary as you pointed out. Just like...if I say "a creature", you think one thing. If I say "dog", you get a much better picture in your head. But if I say "Chihuahua" you probably get yet a totally different picture. Taking it one step further..."a Chihuahua wearing a tutu" you not only get a picture of the dog, but probably some ideas about the dog's owner as well. On the other hand...if I say, "a really small, energetic, spoiled but loveable, tutu-wearing Chihuahua"...it's kind of overkill. lol It's really a matter of balance, and using at least a few concrete images...strong nouns and verbs mixed with careful descriptive words...just as you've done. Soooo...long story short, what I was mainly trying to get across is...as Neon would probably say...'"more meat and potatoes", please'.

        I hope this helps, and doesn't just confuse you more.

        Thanks so much for the return comment...as a judge, it's good to know when I'm coming across correctly and when I'm not...which gives ME a lot to consider when I'm making comments.

        Good luck with all your writing endeavors!
        ~J.

        • Solo Wisp gold member
          August 26, 2008

          Edit | Reply
          Ahhhh ... ok. Thanks so much for the explanation.

          I can whip out minimalistic poetry, but the real bare boned stuff, eek! heheh

          But, yes, you came through loud and clear this time. Yay!

          Many thanks and blessings to you and your own!

          Steve


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting read. I loved your word choices and the imagery they gave me. Nice entry here, my scores are as follows:
    Title 9.2...I would not click on this Title... it just doesn't tantalize.

    Flow 9.75....meter is very good.Smooth read.

    Depth 9.75....great depth, very captivating, Vibrant imagery.

    Theme 9.85..nice Theme... very unique, and your take on it was quite engaging.

    Feelings 9.65...lacking a little.. the emotion was there, but it kind of simmered instead of exploded.

    Grammar 9.7....wonderful..,

    Presentation 9.85....great, smooth and even.

    Uncommonness 9.8 ...well it was an unusual theme, so great creativity there.

    Sit & Ponder Affect 9.7... well this scored quite well in this department for me, because there was really a lot to ponder over, very expressive write

    Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect

    Cupcrazy's Score: 97.25

    Nice!

    No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~

  • aaaaaaaa
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, I love this one. my favorite so far to be sure. I don't have anything to critique so I'll get right to the board.

    Theme - 9.8.

    Flow - 10... flawless.

    Title - 9.0.... not that good.

    Rules - 10.

    Depth - 10.

    Thoughts - 10.... some very original and creative thinking. nice.

    Word use - 10.... wow, excellent.

    Emotion - 10... your emotion/feeling comes very subtly by the likes of a few key words. very well done.

    Clarity - 9.6... not sure many would know the theme without you telling them.

    Uniqueness - 9.8... unique.

    total - 98.2

    best I've given so far. great work.

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi and welcome this was a piece that was hard for me to follow it took me a few reads to get it but after that I was like yes but I want to be yes on the fist read through I wish you much luck in the contest my score will appear with my final notes


  • aboomer silver member
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi - welcome

    I would not click on this title - too vague.

    The theme is not one I've seen before, and you were very creative with it. I'm with Neon, though - I had no idea what this was about until I read your AN's.

    Excellent wording and images - well done. Interesting to read - even if I didn't understand what it was about...lol...
    I'm not an expert, but the spelling and punctuation looked good, and it read smoothly.

    A very nice entry. Best wishes in the contest


    ** No editing once a judge has commented.
    My scores will appear with final remarks.


  • NeonRose
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi, and welcome to the POW!

    Okay, I'm a 'meat and potatoes' poet..I'll be the first
    to admit it. This write, like many others, is over my head. Outside my realm of expertise. Incomprehensible to me. The AN didn't help me, either! Is it a can of air exploding personal agendas, or a can of air exploding AND personal agendas being compared?

    I see now that Bear has commented..and HE got it..so it must be me!

    Excellent use of language, and the lines flow along
    nicely. I just don't understand what the point is!
    I really didn't understand "poignant poker"..(sigh).

    I will have to leave this one mostly up to the
    other judges. Hopefully, they will see the "big picture".

    I guess I need a shot of your "canned revelation", so
    that I might gain "clarity".

    My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you
    in the contest!

    Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.

  • Arkbear gold member
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hey Steve

     

    This is brilliant!

     

    Is it the best read thus far....no....but it sure is good

     

    Nice play on words......depth is perfect....length is just about right....anymore and I believe it would have lost its' special touch of uniqueness ~

    Metaphores were placed perfectly.....and your vision of your Theme captured me from the beginning.....some really nice talent this week

     

    Several other Judges coming behind me....so let's get this on my board and see how it does, from my POV ~

     

    Good luck and God bless,

     

    Bear ~

     

    Title   9.0...I would not want to click on this Title unless I wanted to read about this genre -

    Flow   9.95....meter is basically perfect....and smooth -

    Depth   9.7....good depth....wanted more..25 line Max is not used   -

    Theme   9.85..great Theme -

    Feelings   9.85...great job..personification is bold and strong -

    Grammar   9.9....nice job.. unusualness in grammatical choices are a plus -

    Presentation 9.9...a nice quick format...way to be creative! -

    Uncommonness  9.85...nice -

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.8...I did ponder, as I just used my canned air yesterday..metallic skin ices....cool! -

    Ability to follow Rules  10...prefect from what I can tell -

    Bears Score: 97.8

    Great score

    No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~

     

     


  • cutiepie gold member
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have found stress levels fluctuate during the day to amazing preportions...often leaving the wet lettuce feeling behind. Good luck in the contest


  • LadyDementia gold member
    August 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, fantastic word play here, a powerful piece, with great imagery! All the best in the contest


  • Clovis...Curious silver member
    August 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Wow, what a write. You've expressed yourself quite well with vivid imagery. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Good luck in the contest.

1 - 14 of 14