I am staring out of the window,
all four legs and a tail of me,
looking at the toys now
scattered on the lawn.
It is late now, near biscuits
but i am lost in thought.
The toys must be thinking the same:
no longer wanted.. the children are growing up
no longer small enough to curl in my basket
no longer they play at my level
too soon, they will not play at all.
The toys, discarded, will be forgotten
and there will not be tears when they are
brought in sodden from the rain.
It is beginning.
Author notes
Thanks to Arkbear for the waiver on background and font.
POM Thoughts of a pet dog staring out of the window
Thoughts of toys left out in the yard at night
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended August 25, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Let me know what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Hi there and welcome to the PO contests!
I hope you've found it to be a good experience for you...
I recall a poem written a while back about the same or very similar subject entered in a PO contest, but yours is vastly different, which helped in the originality area of scoring. I loved your title, though I'm not sure how many people would click on it unless they wanted to read something along the lines of animals or pets, so the cleverness of the play on words is kind of a trade off in that regard...
Other than that...flow, depth, grammar, and imagery were all pretty equal in my scoring, it was just missing something to make me really go, "wow!" Just a wee bit of polishing on this is all it needs, IMO...utilize all the lines allowed in a PO contest to delve deeper into the thoughts and feelings, perhaps add a metaphor or two. I do think it's difficult to be really "poetic" about a subject like this, so I'm impressed with how well you did with it.
You've gotten some great suggestions from my co-judges on the grammar and punctuation, so I won't repeat all that. I hope you find some of the ideas useful to you...if not for editing this poem, then perhaps just things to keep in mind for future writes.
Thanks so much for your entry, and I do apologize for the late comment...
Best wishes,
~J.
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I enjoyed this piece; while not really original in its theme, it brought across not only the imagined pain of the animal, but the images of a family in transition. The end was nice and effective.
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A nice little piece, not unique but still charming. You need to work on the punctuation some and using the same words in such a short piece tends to detract from the work rather than adding to it. My scores are as follows:
Title 9.8...I would click on this Title... I loved the play on words here, excellent.
Flow 9.45....meter is good....but the punctuation or the lack of them in places makes it a little choppy and interrupts the flow.
Depth 9.25....limited depth, I think you could have gone a little further since you didn't use the maximum lines allowed and still had room to grow.
Theme 9.55..nice Theme... not unique, but your take on it was quite engaging.
Feelings 9.45...a little lacking.. but a kind of quiet sadness came through
Grammar 9.45....quite good.., simple but effective.
Presentation 9.55....good but again the right punctuation would make it smoother and even.
Uncommonness 9.5 ...well it is an not an overused theme, but not as creative as I would have liked to see here.
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.2... well this scored lower in this department for me, because there was really nothing to ponder over, it was fairly straight forward.
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect
Cupcrazy's Score: 95.2
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~ -
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Nice review Bunny
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Hi this is pretty good, I liked it. though lines 8, 9, and 10 all start out with the same two words. 'no longer'... you should try to stray away from doing that.
"all four legs and a tail of me, "
this is awkward, I'd drop the last two words in here.
you use 'it is' and 'I am' which is kind of distracting. just condense those to it's and I'm.
I love the emotion you portray towards the end though, it is pretty powerful actually. love it.
Theme - 9.7... I like it.
Flow - 9.5... it's okay.
Title - 9.7... unique.
Rules - 10.
Depth - 10... you actually convey how the toys feel. I loved it! perfect.
Thoughts - 9.0... I would've liked to see some fresh original thoughts and imagery especially for this write. something to describe the toys and scenery that makes it unique.
Word use - 9.2... not bad, but nothing special.
Emotion - 10... great emotion!
Clarity - 10... good clarity.
Uniqueness - 9.5... a fairly original take on growing up.
total - 96.6
nicely done.
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Hi there and welcome this was a cute piece I have seen it written about before but this was enjoyable I do wish that though it was a bit longer.I wish you much luck in the contest my score will appear with final notes
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Hi - I don't think I've seen you come through here before....welcome
Your title is cute - I love the play on 'paws' however, it will only attract someone who enjoys reading about animals.
The blue background does not bother me.
Your theme is fairly common, but you were very creative with it. However, I do feel this needs broken up into verses - for flow. It could read a lot smoother if it were not all 'run together'. That would also give it more depth and impact.
I did not care for the repeating words - that also cut the depth and impact of this. I feel you could substitute other wording and give this more 'punch'. Your images are good - don't detract from this write by repeating the same words. Also, following Neon's suggestions on punctuation will make this a stronger write.
On personal appeal, this will score nicely.
An enjoyable entry. Best wishes in the contest.
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks.
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Hi, and welcome to the POW!
First, let me say that your background is pale blue,
and easily acceptable, at least to me.
This is a poignant write, with a strong message, and
a good strong ending.
I have a few problems with format and grammar.
In line 3, I would drop the 'now'..it's not needed,
and seems a bit awkward, since you use it again in
line 5.
Line 5 needs a comma after 'biscuits', and line 6
needs a capital 'I'.
Imperative that you put a period after 'up' in line
8..otherwise it sounds like the children curl up in
your basket!
Line 10 needs to start a new thought. Period after
basket, Capital 'N' on 'No'. Also, that sentence
does not make sense. Add 'do' after 'longer'.
(No longer DO they play at my level)
Again, period after 'level'. I would drop the word
'too' in the next line..not needed. (Soon, they will not play at all.)
In line thirteen, a smoother read would be: 'and there
will be no tears', instead of 'and there will not be
tears'
I like the concept you portray with this write. Your
end line packs a wallop! Make the grammar and punctuation corrections, and you will have a splendid write!
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you
in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
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Excellent review Neon
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Thanks, Bear!
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Gosh.....besides all one long stana....this brought me to pondering right away.....more goosebumps from this write ~
This is a great way to get involved with your subject.....the personification is terrific ~
Let my board speak the rest of how I feel......oh yes.....you did not CAP one ( i ).....no worries, it did not hurt your Flow....just a tad of a fraction on grammar ~
Good luck & God bless.....there are several other Judges coming behind me....please be patient as we make our way across your page
Bear ~
Title 9.0...I would not want to click on this Title unless I wanted to read about this genre -
Flow 9.95....meter is basically perfect -
Depth 9.7....good depth....wanted more..25 line Max is not used
-Theme 9.85..great Theme...your approach is superb...enlightening -
Feelings 9.85...great job -
Grammar 9.15....nice job, yet rather elementary gramatical choices..reach deeper next time -
Presentation 9.9....not really a fan of all one stanza.....need to breathe now and then
-Uncommonness 9.6...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8...I did ponder...your personification is wonderful -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Bears Score: 96.8
Nice job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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this is awesome!
i especially like this part
It is late now, near biscuits
i love this piece even though its kinda sad you really penned it beautiful. good luck in the contest
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This was delightful...in two aspects. I have a friend who operates her Grooming business by the name " Paws For Thought" and secondly, I have little canines who pester the life out of me to retrieve their toys before closing the backdoor at night. Good luck in the contest
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A subject close to my heart.So many times, puppies are bought as gifts that soon lose their value in these days of easy come easy go.A dog is for life.Well done, Ros
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Sorry forgot the claps
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Awww I found this quite sad to read, poor puppy
A beautifully penned poem tho. You may want to add theme and POW to your AN as well Thanks for sharing and good luck
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