mend
is it the way
the lines of your hands
join together
in subtle harmony
or how
your posture
has never faltered
despite
the cavern in your chest
holding pennies
and everything you collected
throughout life,
licking them like stamps
and pasting them
in your body
because
it's hard for you
to let things go
you can recall
your mother's womb
how it resembled
the voice
you came to lack
for fifty years
your life was
triangular,
you buried yourself
at his feet
and carried his child
as it burned inside you
yearning for knowledge
and cool air.
the lake out back
sometimes called to you,
beckoned
from its belly
for you to sink in
and never resurface
but you claimed
to love your sugary skin
never wanting
to dilute
an imbalanced life
he would watch you
on the floor
becoming wooden
hovering over a stove
and growing stiff
with every tick of the clock.
you knew this life
was not meant to disgrace
your palms
yet you allowed it to flow
like cells through your veins
oblivious
to the needle
pressing into your back
year after
year
but slowly
his vicious mind
dispersed
to every continent
turning him out
like a broken wrist
until the day
he died.
and you became disfigured
twisted in
mourning-
your religion
had become a cadaver
and seemingly
there was no option
but intrinsic
death.
for the next two years
you bottled grapes
in your lungs
isolating
until they would ferment
and eat through your soul.
you wanted
to curse every puddle
with dead words
and babble about his
excellence
when really you should
have been revering
your own gleam.
know
you are
my sapphire;
today you burn
blue
in a gray sky
knowing
that you have yet
to live
and want to taste
every piece
of life
until you are undeniably
whole
Author notes
i love my Yia Yia. she is the first thing that came to mind at 'jeans', i know weird, but she buys me nice new jeans every year for my birthday. so this is for her. her poem.
i hope it's not too long :/
A contest entry
- Deux. by notorious.
546 points, ended August 27, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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don't we all like to be whole.
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I enjoyed this one as well.
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you are
my sapphire;
today you burn
blue
in a gray sky
knowing
that you have yet
to live
Le sigh...this was so powerful, the aching of this piece was felt to the very bone. It wasn't too long or too short, just exquisite in its exactness of love and honor...and with the style and amazing metaphor that explains why you are one of the elites.
This burned with the fire of a thousand suns.
-
your religion
had become a cadaver
and seemingly
there was no option
but intrinsic
death....
that part is my favorite out of this whole piece ... however the overall piece is FRIGGIN AWESOME and i am awed...
-
it amazes me how you can write so often
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your posture
has never faltered
despite
the cavern in your chest
holding pennies
and everything you collected
throughout life,
licking them like stamps
and pasting them
in your body
because
it's hard for you
to let things go
that was too beautiful, i no longer wanna pistol whip you hahahahahahaha -
Thanks for editing 'its'.
-
"is it the way
the lines of your hands
join together
in subtle harmony
or how
your posture
has never faltered
despite
the cavern in your chest
holding pennies
and everything you collected
throughout life,
licking them like stamps
and pasting them
in your body
because
it's hard for you
to let things go"
This flows SO well. I love the feeling of collecting & leaving things (memories? items?) behind. I like the stamp simile too.
"you can recall
your mother's womb
how it resembled
the voice
you came to lack
for fifty years"
You use a LOT of adverbs (if that's the right word).
But meh, I don't mind--in fact, I fancy it in this piece. "you came to lack/for fifty years" is particularly poignant, for me. Is she mute, or is there something she's hiding? Or am I misinterpreting this whole thing?! LoL
"your life was
triangular,"
That is RAD. 'triangular'<--unique context, cool ass word
"you buried yourself
at his feet
and carried his child
as it burned inside you
yearning for knowledge
and cool air."
This is mysteriously intriguing...who's "he"?
"the lake out back
sometimes called to you,
beckoned
from it's belly"
OH MY GOD. STOP DOING THIS!!!
LMAO
it's=its
Please change that. NOW!!!
"for you to sink in
and never resurface"
Feels like drowning!!!
"but you claimed
to love your sugary skin
never wanting
to dilute
an imbalanced life"
LOVE the word 'dilute' & even more, love the way you used it.
"he would watch you
on the floor
becoming wooden"
Love the way you used 'wooden'. It's so sad.
"hovering over a stove
and growing stiff
with every tick of the clock.
you knew this life
was not meant to disgrace
your palms
yet you allowed it to flow
like cells through your veins
oblivious
to the needle
pressing into your back
year after
year"
Hmm...why the hell does 'year' have to be on a separate line? You like line breaks too much.
Otherwise, I loved this stanza.
"but slowly
his vicious mind
dispersed"
LOVE the word 'dispersed'.
to every continent
"and you became disfigured
twisted in
mourning-
your religion
had become a cadaver
and seemingly
there was no option
but intrinsic
death."
LOVE!!!
I hate religion. 'intrinsic' is a neato word.
"for the next two years
you bottled grapes
in your lungs
isolating
until they would ferment
and eat through your soul."
Okay...alcohol then.
LOVE that you said "bottled grapes".
I think 'eat' could be replaced with another word that relates to drinking. Or not.
"you wanted
to curse every puddle
with dead words
and babble about his
excellence"
I frucking love that.
'babble' is a nice word...makes me think of "Bullshit!"
"when really you should
have been revering
your own gleam."
Oh wow, that's an awesome tribute...nice word choice with 'diction'.
"know
you are
my sapphire;
today you burn
blue
in a gray sky
knowing
that you have yet
to live
and want to taste
every piece
of life
until you are undeniably
whole"
Again, I say nice tribute.
Great poem & dedication.
Good luck
Jessica -
it's not too long... but it was too late for me to comment on this... so i decided to read this later. sorry.
i loved the last two stanzas the most. the ones are strong. and you are are brilliant with imagery. the last stanzas are really sad, perhaps i could understand your yia yia more through stanzas... i love you
tc.
-
your voice is so distinct. i enjoy the way your imagery is unique and startling. the ending is beautiful, and it reminds me a bit of myself. i didn't mind the length, but the line breaks seemed too frequent by the end.
-cassidy
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I think it is too long and gets a little rambly, but I loved that opening stanza so much. I'm going away until friday of this coming week...It's unexpected, as I just kind of got back from something else...LOL. And there won't be computer access, so I wanted to stop in to one of your new pieces before I go and hopefully this holds me over until I get back. I found the piece human and quite heartfelt...Though for some reason there is always sadness in your work, even when you claim there isn't. I think this would make sylvia proud, if she did not kill herself in her kitchen, like a coward. It's beautiful work, without being cliché, though I think there are places were it could indeed benefit from a few edits.
Still, it is gorgeous work.
;
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when did i claim this was sad
-
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You didn't, it just feels sad at places...
But I think you are at your best when
the images/words evoke a sense of sadness. -
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sweet.
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A rose for you .
-joan.
.
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awww this is really good, an amazing and deep take on jeans, good luck and take care
Stephanie♥ -
Just divine. I don't think it's too long. No more words.
Meghie
`
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and you became disfigured
twisted in
mourning-
your religion
had become a cadaver
and seemingly
there was no option
but intrinsic
death.
wow. i don't know what to say. -
It is exceptionally long...but exceptionally good.
I'll be back with a better comment, promise!!!
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sorry so long, it was the only way i could get it all out thanks for the prompt! <3
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"Your life was triangular". I am totally asleep BUT I had to admire that before I come back tomorrow
Clever little cookie you
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thank you beautiful
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Awww I love this hun, such a dedication and the trials and tribulations of life and love, pain and joy. She would be so proud of you for this I am C
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<3<3<3
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i will come back to this later... tomorrow... by the way ... who is the apple of your eyes...lol...
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