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Peal of -HM





You broke the buttons off

-one by one-

and almost ate them
with a grin.


I was tied,
to the point of tripping,
in the tendons
of our bodies;
writhing in something
close to perfection.


I collapse within your embrace
and lie awake for hours,
tingling in my skin.

But you fade almost instantly,
your limbs wrapped around me,
breaths evening out.


In a complete kind of darkness,
we both become the indigo of ink;
neither of us
deep enough
to become absolute.


My skin
gracing
your denim.









Author notes

Prompt #2: Jeans

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • notorious gold member
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Different & unique

    "You broke the buttons off

    -one by one-

    and almost ate them
    with a grin."
    Well this is just really unique & ambiguous in meaning...it sounds a tad like sex to me, or maybe "scathing revenge. You leave a lot for the reader to decide...

    "I was tied,"<--I don't think you need a comma here
    to the point of tripping,
    in the tendons
    of our bodies;
    writhing in something
    close to perfection."

    "I collapse within your embrace
    and lie awake for hours,
    tingling in my skin."
    I think you use too many gerunds, or -ing words...'tingling' could be 'tingles'.

    "wrapping your limbs around me,"
    This could be reworded to be snappier & to get rid of the gerund...
    e.g. "limbs wrapped around me"

    "In a complete kind of darkness,
    we both become the indigo of ink;"
    I LOVE THIS PART. "In a complete kind" is just awesome narration & it seems more pronounced than "usual" darkness...'indigo'...love the color & the way you used it & the word itself.

    "neither of us seeing
    or believing."
    This is rather cliche...I think you could get rid of this, or reword it...plus, 2 unnecessary gerunds are used.

    "My skin
    gracing
    your denim."
    Perfect way to end it, & I like the line breaks here.

    Good luck & tell me if you make any edits

    Jessica


    • Lj-
      August 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you very much.

      I've taken your thoughts into consideration and did some ameliorating.


  • luna-midnight gold member
    August 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    awww, this is really good, terrific take and a very good flow.
    lovely poem and good luck
    Stephanie ♥