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The Dark Mage

Shadows extend their stretched-out, grasping hands
to find emptiness, void disturbs unreal
as darker dreams infect personal nights
the freeze of plasma portends great visions

the astral planes will shift and connect to mist
of heavens door and hell's darkened entrance
as I, in haste, will seek many answers
into the cosmic void, neverending.

In drifting moments I can feel my fear
expand into realized being again
This demon speaks to me in languages unknown
as I constrict into a foetal ball

Under an easy sail rides sea of thought
as I will float on tides of emotions passed
to drift to journey's end as questions speak
in sequence, wonders that I may comprehend
 


 

Author notes

Trying something different. Have fun critiquing this.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • ArchOblivion
    September 7, 2008

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    I love the language and imagery in this, drawn in by every stanza. Thanks so much for your entry and good luck.


  • The Poetic Bandits gold member
    August 31, 2008

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    Bandit appreciation!

    Thank you for this fine contribution to The Poetic Bandits reading list

    ~Lilac


  • paperparadox silver member
    August 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You've achieved a good atmosphere in this tense piece that builds to a peak in stanza 3 then relaxes back again at the end.

    A quick query: isn't 'fetal' spelt 'foetal' ?

    Well done. An enjoyable read...


  • Polaja Greeters member
    August 29, 2008

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    I thought that in the first line of the second stanza the word 'do' was kind of redundant and interrupted the flow a little - apart from that I really like the surreal feel to this piece I enjoyed the read and I hope you do well in the contest!

    Keep writing

    Polly


  • Haiku-bless-you gold member
    August 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Lovely imagery and metaphor in this somewhat surreal poem. Nice.

    Dennis


  • DarkWind
    August 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Tis a well thought out poem, but it seems a tad bit forced to me. Otherwise I really quite enjoyed it.
    May the stars light your path.
    DW


    • Dark Otter
      August 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Its still evolving

      its definitely a work in progress. Thanks for the critique. I will see if 'Dark Mage' can develop a better flow.


  • ml12
    August 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like your choice of direction in writing such a dark piece. The word choice is adds much to the mysticism of the piece. Bravo!


  • ronnica
    August 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I agree, you did a good job as fear is sometimes hard to express and dark is sometimes hard to write, - and be accepted,


  • Twinstar
    August 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think you did a great job on this dark piece, I especially like the second stanza:

    the astral planes do shift and connect to mist
    of heavens door and hell's darkened entrance
    as I, in haste, will seek many answers
    into the cosmic void, neverending.

    Wonderful work!

    Love & Light
    Debbera

    • Dark Otter
      August 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks for the wonderful comment!

      I didn't expect any on a dark piece like this. I appreciate the read!

1 - 11 of 11