we thought we could
unite the world
with paint
enthusiasm
and catchphrases
the unfinished projects
of misguided youth
shattered by discovery -
life is bereft
of glittered outline
once vivid handprints
hold me steady
one last time
although their faces
are forgotten
and the colours
never matched
Author notes
Option #2: Jeans
A contest entry
- Deux. by notorious.
546 points, ended August 27, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive criticism is always welcome!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
I adore this. Mainly because when I was 13 I painted a pair of stone washed jeans with hand prints and peace symbols...
Vivid imagery that transports you to that moment in time
Sha
-
This one touched me
And I don't want to analyze it--I only want to enjoy it.
-
Hoodwink!!!
This is a great poem about jeans, great imagery! and descriptions.
Love & light
Debbera
-
Hood-Wink!
How intriguing; I was deeply involved with the words and I wouldn't have guessed they were about jeans as it gives off such vibes it could make itself about anything ... what a great poem!
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
-
I don't actually think you need punctuation, but lately I've become rather loathsome to punctuation.
I won't hold it against you though.
"we thought we could
unite the world
with paint,
enthusiasm,
and catchphrases."
I love paint,/enthusiasm,/& catchphrases." It's just such an inventive thought that flows so well in those words...awesome themes explored there.
"the unfinished projects
of misguided youth,"
I love that. Your adjectives are awesome here--'unfinished' & 'misguided' are very effective & poignant.
"shattered by discovery -
life is bereft
of glittered outline."
You use a LOT of words that end in -ed, but that's better than gerunds, so I don't mind.
"once vivid handprints
hold me steady."
I think 'hold' should be 'held'...sounds better to me that way.
"although their faces
are forgotten,
and the colours
never matched."
Since you use the word 'although', to me it sounded like a continuing thought, in which case I don't think you should use a period after 'steady'.
Tell me if you make any edits & good luck
Jessica
-
-
thank you for the wonderful comment! I agree with you about the 'ed' words - I've fallen into their trap while I was running away from the gerunds I was thinking of changing 'glittered outline' to 'silver silhouette' which was what I had originally, but I wasn't sure that the meaning would stay constant. I edited out the punctuation (mostly) and I like it better this way too - also, I added a line to the second last stanza to make the idea of wearing the jeans again more clear thanks for the good luck wishes!
Pol
-
-
I think that the subtle way the title connects to the poem body is wonderful and deliciously done. Jeans are usually seen as the clothing symbol of youth (in my opinion, of course), and that they're old makes me think of lost youth and ideals, just like the poem itself. I relate to the second stanza painfully much. The period after the second stanza seems to disrupt the flow in my opinion, because the couplet is continued, as a sentence, in the following verse. (Love the enjambment, by the way). The last two stanzas are wonderfully expressive. Nice work here
-
This was good. I think you have plenty of youth left...but reflection is always good. I liked the last stanza and the reference to fading jeans. Cheers
-
Interseting reflection on Jeans and the faded glory of youthful idealism. Food for thought!
Dennis
-
awww, this is so sweet, i enjoyed reading this a great deal, good luck and take care
Stephanie ♥
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
