Morning-blue wood
lightens sky thinking
feed on her mouth:
its empty construct shall
understand not
deep feelings.
Distressing wave
of sorrowing wood-berries
all red with blue
again the unseen desire.
Consumated,
under star-jolted Northern Lights
like drenched maze
the cry unheard yet
fog clasped breaths under trees.
Can children sing
the song of love,
the decision in love's soul
on the path to aerate the darkness?
Author notes
Distance brings unrelieved sorrow and yet understanding of those few aligned touches held in uneasy reverence.
A contest entry
- Complexity Exchanges by 2lullabyhaven.
700 points, ended September 6, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
This was some exchange, thanks for your entry lol
-
Very heavy.
-
To be or not to be ... don't put up a fuss.
To make such a clatter what doth it matter
just go ahead; write it thus:
"Can children sing of love,
reaching decisions in love's soul
on the path to aerate the darkness? ... or something?
Not one of us is the bard ...
I think someone protests too freakin much lol.
-
Deep
This is a deep poem her mouth I get the picture of mother nature. "Empty construct shall understand not deep feeling." In this line I see someone who is empty and is trying to find their meaning but their emotions and feeling run deep and they can't understand them."Fog clasped breaths under trees." Mother nature's heavy breathing of passion is trapped under trees which becomes fog.
This is just my take on your poem.
Could you read three of mine please.
1. Call and call
2. A Tour Done
3. The 60's
I would like to have your take on them pleas. -
Wake UP Don, Hellllll-ooooo-oh
WHAT AN IDIOT!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU USED THE WORD "THE" IN A POEM!!! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT RUINS A POEM? DIDN'T YOU EVER GO TO SKOOL? DO YOU THINK SHAKESPEARE EVER USED THE WORD THE??? ALL THE BOOKS HAVE IT WRONG--HE ACTUALLY SAID: "To be or not to be: that is question." GEEZ MAN, GET A CLUE!!! I EXPECT TO SEE MUCH IMPROVEMENT ON YOUR NEXT POEM!!!
Other commonly misquoted poems corrected:
"Water, water everywhere and how boards did shrink."
"Humpty Dumpty sat on wall."
"Jack and Jill went up hill..."
"Listen my children and you shall hear, of midnight ride of Paul Revere."
"Row, row, row your boat, gently down stream..."
_ Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in _ undergrowth;
Then took _ other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps _ better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that _ passing there
Had worn them really about _ same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept _ first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took _ one less traveled by,
And that has made all _ difference.
-
-
Jim......you AMAZE me, you have SHOUTED at me!!! I believe I used "the" six times in five lines, or, it might have been five times in six lines, or something altogether different. Robert Frost (for which many thank yous) uses the personal pronoun every other line, this must surely bar him from poet's union (or, the poet's union) Make me laugh!
Warmest thingmejigs,
Donald
-
-
Very deep and wistful penning my friend. A change from your humourous poems, but very good!
-
Hi there!
I just wanted to stop by and thank you for entering the POW...even if it didn't quite work out.
I hope you won't let this discourage you, as I think you've got a wonderful piece of poetry here and I'd love to see your talents in the contest.
As a help...you might want to check out our POW group, where you'll find both current and past POW's, a board for questions and concerns, and a great group of people to share your poetry with.
It's often helpful to take a look at some of the past contests to get a feel for what we look for as well.
http://allpoetry.com/group/show/Contests%20for%20POD%20POW%20POM%20POY
The poem itself...I had to read several times...there's a lot to digest, among some lovely imagery. I'm not sure I would have realized your intended theme without the AN, but there's plenty here for a person to interpret into their own personal meaning. There are a couple of places I wondered if there couldn't/shouldn't be a comma...both to aid in clarity of your thoughts and to slow the poem down. After "sky" in L2, for example? I also wondered about the word "construct" which doesn't grammatically seem correct...although I realize it can be used as a noun as you've done, I guess I just don't see it very often. "construction" works better in my mind, but that is totally a personal preference, and perhaps not in keeping with the style or voice you've created in this piece, which I found to be quite lovely.
The title of your poem is very interesting...I'm not familiar with "Aerobia" so did a quick search...didn't find a whole lot, but what I did find was interesting. I'd love to see more in your AN about that, for those of us who are a wee bit "word challenged".
It's a great title to pull a reader in though.
Again, thanks so much for your interest in the POW and I hope to see you return soon. Just don't forget to read over all those rules carefully.
Best wishes,
~J.
-
Hi there I did enjoy this read but sadly you have broken a number of rules by using the filler words :
the,and,of,to and also you did not put that this was a POW contest in your Author notes so I am going to have to remove your entry these are very tough contest to enter so when you do enter please make sure that rules are followed.I do hope that you try again and this does not discourage you because it is a great reward when you achieve a win in these contest. Best wishes always
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
