Violet explosion
cascading over me
physically staining
short term memory
Fascinating subject
lost upon my page
she's eradicating
secret, untold rage
Superficial soaking
seeping cruelty
words wiped from my surface
weep reality
Tearing melodrama
writing once again
permanantly posted
using ball point pen.
Author notes
POW Contest. A bottle of ink knocked over on a letter in anger that needs to be written.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended August 25, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Excellent
A very fine write, indeed. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme are fine. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Again, well done.
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Hi there,
Good to see you back with us.
I really enjoyed this, even before I realized exactly what your intended theme was. The title did nothing for me though...but as you can see after so many judges have come through and commented, that is mostly a matter of personal taste and preference.
I loved how you took a theme that has been done fairly often, given it just a little twist, and come up with something as original as this is. I think the short length was a factor for me in trying to get a lot of emotion or depth from the poem, ditto for it carrying a long lasting impression, but a very enjoyable poem while it lasted.
Congrats on the HM, and I look forward to seeing what you'll bring us next time!
Best wishes,
~J.
P.S. My apologies for the late comment...
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Hello great write! excellent flow and some really nice thoughts in this one for me to chew over. I do have some suggestions however.
I agree with cupcrazy about the connective word issue, but there are a few ways around that I think, because connective words might mess up the flow. for:
"Violet explosion
cascading over me"
you could simply add an 's' and drop the 'ing' and I think it would sound a lot better:
"Violet explosions
cascade over me"
see what I mean?
"Fascinating subject
lost upon my page"
either add an 'a' in front of fascinating or make subject plural.
for 'secret' in the 2nd stanza it either needs to be plural or have an 'a' in front of it. also in this stanza 'untold rage' by itself seems awkward to me, seems like it needs another word in front of it. 'blooms' maybe?
you tried to rhyme cruelty and reality? ahhh. they are eye rhymes but the other rhymes in the poem are perfect rhymes.
I think the last stanza could definitely use some punctuation/pauses after the 1st and 2nd line.
Theme - 9.7... I thought it was an interesting theme.
Flow - 9.7.... excellent flow, I do think it can be improved though.
Title - 9.5.... pretty good, I think you could've thought of something better though.
Rules - 10
Depth - 9.5... not bad.
Thoughts - 9.8... some nice thoughts in here.. "physically staining short term memory" = awesome.
Word use - 10.... some interesting and good word choices and strings you have. love the first stanza.
Emotion - 10.... good emotion. shows exactly what the person might be going through.
Clarity - 10.... you were able to convey what you wanted to the reader nicely.
Uniqueness - 9.3... I can imagine many others writing about this.
total - 97.5
awesome job!
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Hi there I really did enjoy this piece I thought that it was well written and gave me alot to think and ponder over you did a nice job to me.I do wish that there was some punctuation in it and also I would of have liked to seen a better title for this. This was a unique right and I liked it. Thank you for the read goodluck in the contest my score will be sent in at the close of the contest.
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I thought this was well done, but felt that it needed a few connective words as it tended to feel like a grocery list of thoughts, yes I know a POW judge asking for connective words, lol. But I am one of the few that feel that they are often necessary to soften the flow and lend a more poetic feel, a kind of musicality so to speak. Regardless this was a fine piece of work that was quite engaging. I'll let my scores tell the rest of the tale.
Title 9.4...I would click on this Title... but I think that it could be more obscure to draw the reader in. I like a tantalizing title.
Flow 9.45....meter is good....but again, without connective words I felt it became a little choppy.
Depth 9.55....nice depth, but I think you could have gone a little further since you didn't use the maximum lines allowed and still had room to grow.
Theme 9.85..nice Theme... not unique, but your take on it was quite captivating.
Feelings 9.00...lacking.. the anger was there, but it kind of simmered instead of exploded. I think you could have reved it up a little.
Grammar 9.7....quite good.., nice use of alliteration, but your word choices limited you a little so the phrasing was not as unique as it could have been.
Presentation 9.85....great, smooth and even.
Uncommonness 9.1 ...well it is an overused theme, so was looking for more creativity here.
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.2... well this scored lower in this department for me, because there was really nothing to ponder over, it was straight forward and as I said a theme I have read many times.
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect
Cupcrazy's Score: 95.1
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi - nice to see you here again
I enjoyed this write. Your title works well for this - I'm not sure I'd click on it though....sounds almost 'boring'...lol....and this write is not boring.
Your theme is not one I've seen before, and you were very creative with it. I feel you did the 'anger' correctly - the paper is the passive 'person' in this write, and is only describing what happens to 'it'....the paper is not the 'angry' theme in this write - to me. So I feel your depth is good.
Great wording and images. I do think, however, that it does need some punctuation for flow and clarity.
On a personal appeal, I enjoyed this and it will score well.
A very nice entry - best wishes in the contest.
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. -
Hi, and welcome to the POW!
I love this write. The emotion is electric and virtually leaps off the page. Imagery is well presented and the use of language outstanding.
My only wish is for some additional punctuation, and
perhaps a new sentence or two, to avoid the slight case
of 'run on sentence' that I found here.
Violet explosion cascading over me, (comma) physically staining short term memory. (period)
Fascinating subject lost upon my page. (period)
(S)he's eradicating secret, untold rage (period)
Superficial soaking, (comma) seeping cruelty.(period)
(W)ords wiped from my surface weep reality (period)
Tearing melodrama, (comma) writing once again. (period)
(P)ermanantly posted using ball point pen.
The pace of this write is quick and clever, and IMO
punctuation adds rather than detracts in this case.
A really great write, with a very different theme. I like this one a lot!
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you
in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Clever write Ros....nice job on your Theme ~
Flow and Rhyme are splendid....meter is well-balanced....for such a short write, you managed to bring me into your thoughts....move me around to watch you paint your vision, and left me pondering....good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.6...I would click on this Title...didn't seem to be the best, yet, fitting to alure me -
Flow 9.95....meter is basically perfect....and sooo smooth -
Depth 9.75....good depth for such a short write....wanted more..25 line Max is not used
-Theme 9.85..great Theme....read similiar, but your approach is unique -
Feelings 9.15...lacking..this Theme should have been filler with anger, as your words describe -
Grammar 9.8....nice job..soft Alliteration in the middle...reach deeper next time for unusualness in grammatical choices -
Presentation 9.65....not really a fan of *all* quatrains....I do mention this in every contest -
Uncommonness 9.25...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.8...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Bears Score: 96.8
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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My apologies, I was here last night and could not post a message
...I enjoyed this very much as it brought back lovely memories of nib on paper...purple ink on cream velum...Anger speaks loudest when time has been taken to pen the words. Good luck in the contest
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WOW, love the rhyme and meter. Somehow it pulls punches. Love this, well done!
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Maybe it's some kind of sign! I always find that when I have to write things over again, it can never be the same again, not exactly. Could be a good thing.
I like this write.
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This is an excellent piece. The imagery, emotion and flow blend together superbly. A great read, good luck
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great
Im really tired right now, so I'm not going to leave much of a comment that sounds too intelligent, but I wanted to let you know that I really like it, a moment of frustration captured wonderfully
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And, you captured the whole thing beautifully. I could see it as if it just happened. The violet explosion fascinating subject lost upon the page. I get that feeling when I just finished typing something out on the word processor and something blanks the page. Exhausting isn't it.
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I liek the way youve put this explosion of thought and emotion into a very ordered and restricted 4 verses with 4 lines each. Its like youre trying to show how writing cannot fully express how you feel.
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wow, i thought this was great! good imagery. this was good stuff. it is a creative idea for a poem.
"Superficial soaking
seeping cruelty
words wiped from my surface
weep reality"...
that was my fave part of such a fantabulous poem! i loved it! =D
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What a great piece! I really appreciate the unique concept, and how you were able to express such deep, REAL emotion threaded with internal and interesting rhyme. It made it flow really well.
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this has a great flow and the rhymes are good too best of luck in the contest
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A witty little piece.
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o.O
When I saw the title I was a little puzzled and wondered what could it be about? & I confess I actually really liked this piece!
It wasn't til I reached the end that I realised I was angry all of a sudden for no reason ... your words and emotions had reached through and created mine.
Excellent
Best of luck!
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
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