daddy died before i
could grow facial hair
before my quiet town
became a cramped city
he drew blueprints
on my face
when it was still chubby
stored nuts and bolts
inside my cheeks
like a farmer sowing
seeds
at thirteen
skyscrapers pierced
through my skin
In a list
A contest entry
- see not the flame, know the artist, and understand blood. (invite only) by apples fell.
400 points, ended September 25, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
all feedback appreciated
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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I love endings that stick. You know that though. That's usually all I write or read. LOL. This was great. You should look at this one again. I know it's been about a year. I think you should relationship build your father once more in another stanza before he pierces you with a skyscrapper he intended to make you into. Eh, my opinion. Not much worth.
But, I do love this piece. It's how I feel about my father too. They took too early. And it does pierce. I always feel at home in your words. Much Love, dear friend. -
Oh, goodness, you are such a wonderful writer.
-Reni
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Kevin, longtime no speak, eh! I've just started coming on allpoetry again and came to your page and noticed this poem. I've read it before, but never commented, but that's not so surprising, as I haven't ever been a shout-it-out commenter. I must say this is very well-written and poetic. It fits the situation it deals with perfectly and is very clearly personal. I do suggest however that you extend this past the end as I think it finishes too abruptly. Everything flows so well and then cuts to the final stanza. There is a lot of potential for much more. Nice talking with you. P.S.- James says hi!
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this is wonderful, i don't know what to suggest
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wow. thank you very much!
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And this is the writings that I've missed. *sigh*
This is a very good poem, somethings in here very...squirrel like. Reminds me off a nature but not cosmically existing piece. Contemporary and existentialisitic.
The last line however left me hanging.
Love you writing, dear.
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Damn that cliff-hanger ending.
I just think you couldn't think of anything else to say.
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Lies! It was going to be much longer but I decided to end it there to keep it focused
. I know what I'm doing
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You sure do! Lively banter...elementary banter, few differences. Strictly kidding!
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Yes there's a lot of stuff going on in this poem in the background .
I love my cliff-hanger ending
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Thank you very much for the comment, it means a lot to me!
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WOW
I love you. SO f'n much. I miss you terribly. We need to talk more often
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Sorrowfully wonderful. Some things touch our lives and leave traces until the day we die. Very taut and concise. The first stanza is a hands down favorite, it sets the tone and captures the reader's heart. The last stanza is much the same way.
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Thank you every much Debbie!
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This was actually quite good. A subtle take on the prompt with a brilliant ending. This has to be my new favorite from you. And here you thought you couldn't write. TOTALLY unique.
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I'm glad to see someone appreciates subtly, the judges didn't get it and sounded like they wanted me to plainly point out everything. I'm happy this is your new favorite! I still don't think I can write
.
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They did, actually. There is a whole ten points for writing the an explanation in the Authors Notes. But whatevs. This is great. It really is.
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Melissa is right, it's a lot different than the other entries in most improved, but i like it. you did away with wordiness, with unnecessary images and phrasing. and it turned out very well.
-cassidy
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Thank you very much!
-Kevin
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Breathtaking. You have so perfectly captured the feelings of loss as they stretch over the distance of time. Loss from long ago that is still a part of every day.
This is one of the best poems I have ever read. This is a classic.
No matter how it goes, this one is pure gold in my book.
Garrison
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I am so honored by your words. Honestly I was very unsure of this poem so I'm really happy people are repsonding to it so well. Thank you very much for taking the time to comment.
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182
Not at all what I was expecting and so very different from the rest entered -
very nicely done (will critique thoroughly later). -
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Wow Melissa, thanks for the kind words. I have to say you are the only judge in the most improved contest who knows what she is doing. I decided to withdraw from the contest because of that.
If you still feel like you want to critique to personally help me, I'd appreciate your time.
-Kevin. -
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My goodness, thanks for the compliment. I will definitely come back, just waiting for the kids to stop crawling up my butt so I can think appropriately.
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Awww Kevin
I'm pretty busy here but couldn't help commenting on this... it's so sad I know it affects you still, but hope you're doing well. The title is very well-chosen, your titles always stand out. The first stanza really delivers a punch. It's one of your most touching poems, because it's so simple... You say it exactly like it is. Love the town turned into a skyscraper city metaphor. One small simile that shows so much. I can't help wondering, though, whether the skyscraper image is only a metaphor for growing into a man, or if you felt it as having a more positive nuance (as in becoming a person to be proud of).
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Thank you very much for taking the time to comment, your thoughts mean a lot to me! I hope you're enjoying yourself
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Yes, this is top-notch
stuff, really. It truly,
honestly...Is.
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Well, I for one do not mind if you enter my contest and other contests at the same time...I consider it a wonderful event to be able to read anything new from you, in general. Now, I am still awake (cause I could not sleep) and I figured "hey, why not log in and read your new poem"...Which I already had the pleasure of reading through IM. I also read the other comments before me, and scoring aside, I actually liked the simplicity you have improvised with an almost natural structure...Not everything has to be dictated or perhaps even, profound.
This felt very necessary for me...Like the poem is being given a chance to speak, over the course of many years (me knowing the details about your father) and just being able to perhaps, put a little bit of that pain, that unfortunate stasis period behind you. I could have said all of this through IM, but I would rather evolve myself through comments this time first and foremost...As I feel too many times I have said everything through IM and then I have nothing left to announce once the poem is posted. I like people that dig deeper and hey, I'm all for the metaphors here and there...But there is no such thing as "too simple"...Not when it is being applied to something with the idea of relationships or moments passed in mind (america as well).
I think "daddy" was perfect, as you were younger and that commonality would go hand in hand with that frame of mind you were in, back then. I also would like to mention that the "blueprints" imagery was such a great way of describing human depth, without over stating yourself or drawing conclusions from the obvious. The stored nuts stanza was my favorite part...As I think it implies how we keep things from the past, perhaps stored in our subconscious and also, in our hearts.
Anyways, this is an excellent entry into my contest and I found nothing to critique in terms of the poetic merit. I mean sure, it could be deeper, but why the hell should it have to be? Also, the sense of america is actually so quiet in fact...It is very hard to distinguish the overall tone in that aspect (angry, sad, painful)...But again, america is not something which can or will ever be easily figured out.
I loved this entry...And for the many ways it filters through my mind, even at its finest and held in its most simplistic manner.
A very good entry.
Thanks so much for entering and good luck.
;
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And now it is only in your contest.
I am very thankful of you and always being there and trying to help me. You actually take the time to try to understand a poet's style and thought process and help them improve.
I enjoy our IM critque sessions, you helped me with many poems including this one.
I'm very happy to see you to post your thoughts in a comment for a change. Your comment here is the best one I've ever gotten.
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I do it for you because, well, because you deserve my honest opinions and you are special in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. I do try to help poets and people along and if I can do that and it is noticed, then I guess I am succeeding in that aspect. Hey, I love ya so it's really not a problem. I know you appreciate them and enjoy commentary, like me.
I will miss you lots, while I'm away.
But we will probably catch up on the phone,
anyway.
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