summer buzz
frog's tongue lashes
silence
A contest entry
- F...is for frog! by DogFish.
400 points, ended August 29, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive criticism is always welcome!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is really interesting! Not something I'd write, but definitely interesting.
Great work here love, I liked the change
Sha
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yes. quite satisfactory.
Somehow it reminds me of the famous Japanese Haiku
"Furu ike ya
kaeru tobikomu
mizu no oto" (I think I have that right???)
"Into the ancient pond
the frog jumps
Splash!" (or literally "the sound of water")
It builds, you see, with the zinger in the last line. Yours puts the action into the second line and then an anticlimatic "silence." But it works. I've read quite a few of your poems and suspect a growing talent. Keep writing, please.
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Hood-Winked
neat little American - modern Haiku! Good subject, image and short, sweet development! Good work!
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Good
It isn't a traditional haiku, but it has a nice and even flow that makes it perfectly suitable as a haiku. I think frogs are great so this is a fantastic piece in my book. Great read.mandie
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Haha, the fly was just innocently, ermm, flying and then there goes the frog's meal
By the way, the last line was a great touch to this haiku, indeed ^^
Good luck in the contest
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The use of subtle sounds and one moment of lighting makes your poem come alive!
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I can visulize the action but wording is awkward on L2. Maybe, frog's tongue lashes, or frog's tongue flash or in plural, but there needs to be a possessive apostrphy somewhere, seems to me. The frog tongues belong to something, they arn't there suspended in air by themselves are they? Title could be more indicative.
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Lovely word picture, you have captured the moment.
Dennis
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