Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

We Fought Like Capulets

 

Shuddering shackles,
you are the ghoul that haunts
these arid halls.


Sunken leather worn-
black patches puffed
& pouched
beneath glaring pupils

 

 

You sang me harpy;
lullabies like battles,
bred in malcontent


I suckled
from your lacteal ooze


Poison like Shakespeare,
soliloquies dictated passion
but left a Tragedy's wake


I am but a Capulet
head lain on the pillow
where our broken dishes


clatter.



Author notes

I had a fight with my Mother.

A contest entry

Critical Review Desired.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 37 of 37

  • luna-midnight gold member
    August 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, im sorry about the fight, but wow this is an amazing poem....i think it should have got higher but thats just me

    but i love the part about shakesphere, and the ending was just perfect.
    and i enjoy the word arid, lol..its weartherific
    well take care and keep writting
    Stephanie ♥

  • notorious gold member
    August 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I'm sorry about the HM!! Seriously!! Congrats


    • Age of Rain
      August 23, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      its quite alright. After reading your contest, I just barely realized that I was supposed to write for a prompt. *gasps* For some reason I read only 'dazzle me' and didn't think about the 'you're not' part. Did my poem even fit?


      • notorious gold member
        August 23, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        LMAO I thought it did. It had a delightfully scathing tone. Kind of made me think: "You're not my mom, you dumb bitch" (Should I apologize for my French? It's been going on for a while).

        I think it fit the prompt quite nicely. I loved the...well, I dunno if sensory is the right word, but I felt like I could see AND hear everything that was going on.

        Although...green was Sailor Jupiter's color. And it is my favorite color. What the hell am I talking about? LMAO
        Maybe HM's aren't so bad after all.


  • Poetic Tasha Moderators member
    August 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The title drew me in - i lubbs Romeo & Juliet

    awesome, love love love the last 2 stanzas! Poifect!
    the imagery and portrayal of this argument is superb, well done hun!

    Tasha


  • Never Fall in Love
    August 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    When I was reading it ... I felt that this was about our mother for some strange reason. If you didnt put it in your author's notes, I probably wouldnt have had the guts to say it.

    But hey, at least one great thing came out of the fight .. and that's your poem

    an excellent piece

    ♥

  • notorious gold member
    August 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I always fight with my mother?


  • notorious gold member
    August 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It's not mandatory, but I'm pretty sure a lot of people read your stuff, and maybe they want to know what your prompt is.

    "Shuddering shackles,
    you are the ghoul that haunts
    these arid halls."
    I like that you use 'these'...has a nice narrative and almost prose-esque feel to it.
    Personally...I think you could lose "Shuddering shackles"--I found it distracting from the next two lines, which are EXCELLENT.

    "Sunken leather worn-"
    I dunno, maybe get rid of 'worn'. I mean, what else could you do with leather, except make sofas and...some other things? LoL, just my thoughts.

    "black patches puffed
    & pouched
    beneath pupil's glare"
    "pupil's glare" as a possessive form sounds rather awkward to me. "glaring pupils" I would actually prefer, even if 'glaring' is a gerund. Sometimes gerunds work.

    "lullabies like battles,
    bred in malcontent"
    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

    "I suckled
    from your lacteal ooze"
    Sounds...dirty.

    "Poison like Shakespeare,
    soliloquies dictated passion
    but left a Tragedy's wake"
    I LOVE the word 'soliloquy' in all its forms...it's SO fun to say.
    Shakespeare is poison. Hate him. Well-written stanza, methinks.

    "I am but a Capulet
    head resting on the pillow
    where our broken dishes"
    'resting'<--this is a gerund I don't like. Could be 'rested' something else.

    'clatter' deserved its own line break. I like.

    Good luck & tell me if you make any edits


    -Jessica


    • Age of Rain
      August 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Well...I luck shuddering shackles, so I won't change it. It was supposed to bring the image of the poltergeist in chains, that clamoring sound. And then tie it to my 'clattering' end. Oh well

      It is true that leather is 'worn' however I meant it as worn: wearied, or exhausted. The black leather being the black patches under her eyes.

      I did edit the other parts and left the prompt in the notes as you requested.


  • delayedscreening
    August 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    two words

    lacteal.
    ooze.

    that is the stuff dreams are made of.

1 - 37 of 37