Her lips practised blatant unfolding,
words blemished by meaning
and value slurred by grief -
tears thrown on parched breath.
his
She constructed arcs,
restrictions meant to be crossed
but with blind eyes
and callous heart,
ready to lose affection
on a whim.
Closed boxes lay shut,
unerred in chain locks, riddles
and practised lies -
flamed at touch
and hostile to need.
But he engaged
in cascading fears;-
where will is not enough
to secure
or fade within subtraction.
He pressed puzzle pieces -
unknown to location or characteristics
mistakening cardboard for metal:
unabled to collapse.
Yesterday,
pacts diminished,
leaving empty graves at midnight
where free fall hit end
where descent paused
and silence was stifled
for escape.
Author notes
Addictions splattered on
decrease, fluctuating between
remembrances and pledges.
Ink fluttered on dry quills, not
able to write
nor remember to feel.
- Chandni
A contest entry
- For my favorites and those that have me on their favorites by whiterabbit..
400 points, ended December 11, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites. by iverbthenoun.
400 points, ended November 19, 2008, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
500 points, ended December 15, 2008, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For My Favorites by stargazer..
750 points, ended April 3, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Now you tell me:
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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She constructed arcs,
restrictions meant to be crossed
but with blind eyes
and callous heart,
ready to lose affection
on a whim.
&
He pressed puzzle pieces -
unknown to location or characteristics
mistakening cardboard for metal:
unabled to collapse.
---
These are my favorite parts, this is amazing i cant even describe how much i love it you used amazing imagery, great diction and syntax.
this is what i call poetry -
Hello Chandni.
The only critical thing really, is that some of the images almost seemtoo much. Too much imagery. I know, that is shocking coming from me who adores imagery.
Two and three have a great balance of both the emotion and the imagery I expect from the piece. It just seems slightly different than usual.
I would have almost liked to see it end at the stanza 'he pressed puzzle pieces' -
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it's a bit different because it's the reflection of a certain other peice that was directed at me.
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wow. You have so much talent. I love the way that you write. The wording is just perfect. I love the descriptions that you've included. This is really amazing.
Thanks for entering. -
"restrictions meant to be crossed
but with blind eyes
and callous heart,
ready to lose affection
on a whim."
That was my favorite part and how true it is nowadays. It's pretty sick what people are capable of doing. Well, everyone's capable, but some people have little thing called a conscience
You always have the best endings too. It's never a dull "I'm just gonna throw that there 'cause I can't think of something" ending. Yay!
Jeanette*~
P.S."He pressed puzzle peices -"
I think you meant "pieces" hehehe
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damn those ie/e
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Cinn is right, this is stunning and I'm so glad she likes it. You are an amazing poet Sis.
Love,
Amera♥ -
Stunning...
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Beautiful!
magnificent write!!! -
I like this. I am keeping it in the contest even though it is a prewrite because Cinnarry will like it.
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beautiful. The single 'his' line was perfect.
It was wonderful.
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good write
The feeling must have been something else...mac
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nice
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It seems more a case of someone being unable to return love in the way it needs, the comfort and the stimulation. As if she is a ghost going through the motions yet never touching what is tangible until it's too late. Strong metaphor here.
C
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Out of te thee of you, you're correct. Except it's not touched - not late, not ever.
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This seems to be about losing love, but I couldn't tell which person is the 'victim', its too ambiguous. Beautiful wording, tho, & flows nicely.
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nice flow i think this is about a love dying, i didn't think it was clear enough, however there is some lovely use of poetic devices here, and the metaphor is really good, all and all i enjoyed the read and its clear you can write
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"ready to lose affection
on whim."
- Why do I want to say "on a whim"...I think it sounds kind of cut short right now. That was the only critical thing I could think of worth mentioning here. The last stanza is just excellent and efficient writing. This reminds me of breathing for some reason...Like the images are expanding and coming into fruition, easily...But also, emotionally. It feels like its been static charged. It's very focused and clean writing. I also kind of thought the box imagery was strange, but I read your explanation to fug-azi so maybe...You should leave that alone. Though it's just a sound thing to me.
Great piece.
;
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so we meet again
I added the 'a'and decided I didn't know which was better so maybe while I still read the poem everytime I land here, I will see how it fits in [or doesn't]
As for the emotion, I guess it's there all right. -
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Well now that I know you and your work, you can't escape.
You can try, but I'll find you...
The emotional aspect of the poem is great and I think if you do decide or not decide, the poem will still be a great read, regardless.
;
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That's very umm ... deightful *coughcough*
haha, just kidding. But then this isn't fair - I know nothing about you! Well, I do know your name by accident
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I know nothing about you either, but that's alright. I know your poetry so, that's enough to keep me interested.
And yes your name is Chandni and mine is James...Now we know "everything"...LOL.
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hahaha
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Why are you so good?
I might as well not enter Cassie's contest now, I'll lose.
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shush - and enter
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I entered.
And mine sucks, so HA!
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*hugs* you took her sunshine away
but like wow, this is amazing, and i love the ending, its powerful ^_^
good luck and take care, hope all is well
Stephanie ♥
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First line in stanza three;
"Closed boxes lay shut"
was the only thing that caught my eye, seems that saying closed would automatically adhere to shut, making it a word unrequired .. but maybe I'm reading it wrong.
Apart from that you remain in the strata while I gaze up and wonder how you fly so high.
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hmm ... it was in saying that they re still closed. Like things that can close, I assume, can open as well - and could be opened at anytime. I get the point though where the point is doubled - so perhaps in that way, double the effect as well.
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maybe "closed boxes remain shut"
doesn't change the meaning that much but gives it a more eye pleasing appearence.
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perhaps
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oi
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Beautiful and moving. This is a wonderful work of art. Dark and delicious, I loved every word. But you knew I would!
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♥
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Oh Chandni! This is so original and well done. You take the dark genre and weave it into your own cloak of emotion. Not being a free verse writer, poems like this make me stand in awe of your talent. Bravo!
Love,
Amera
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a heart that moments bloomed into sinful dreams [mistaking the cardboard for infalliable metal]
had strewn a bridge from bridled tears
[not to carry hope, but an illusion]
the wandering soul finds rest
not in elucidating truth
from unsettled wounds
but in knowing that there was no truth after all...
a brilliant write- as always.
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