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The Space






In the middle of the night
the quiet screams her name
and I awaken,
shivering and sweaty,
startled by the weight
of this vacuum.

 

I move to fill the space.

Things would be easier
if she had taken her body from this bed
the day she left me -
but here she lies,

next to me,
asleep and miles away.



A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Allyce May gold member
    August 30, 2008

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    I adore this. Leaves me with an ache. Every word of it is perfect, I have to say; and I love where you ended it. I can actually see this happening in my head, I think many of us have been there but few describe it with such poetic simplicity.

    Thank you so much for sharing this


  • Nicolette gold member
    August 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "the weight
    of this vacuum."

    Nothing heavier than absence, the void, the hollow... I so love the simplicity of this piece and the impact and visuals you've managed to create - so many undercurrents here, so much not said. This is indeed a perfect example of emotional distance, of disassociation...even ignorance... one that hurts. There is such an easy transition from the first to the last stanza, yet the last stanza adds a total different dimension to this poem. I liked this - thank you for sharing it with us in the contest.

    ~ Nicolette


  • LalalalaLoopstah gold member
    August 23, 2008

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    I like how the silence screams her name. Very cool!! This conveys such a clear (almost too clear) feeling of what its like when you just can't believe someone's gone and you have to keep realizing it over and over again. .
    Good luck in the contest, its gotta be a winner


  • ArtFullyMe silver member
    August 22, 2008

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    lots of little undercurrents in this..

    like the clean transition of "I move....." on its own

    the line breaks work very well for me as they make me see other things inside the lines like (she lies)
    and I love the asleep and miles away together as it is because miles away would seem a bit wanting by itself
    and asleep would lose its potency if it was on the same line as next to me, also it would hang on the end ...and be a bit odd..

    nothing I'd change in this..

    and it's a perfect example of distance so close you can taste it.


  • NurseChilly gold member
    August 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm with Saffron hun, but I think you can move the last line and put it as the first line and let the end be - miles away

    therefore you can tie together .. the loss you feel and the miles away?? - only my thoughts...
    but a damned good piece nonetheless!! - nicely done Scott...



    Gilly.xx


  • Erik Ambrose gold member
    August 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I admire the last line. I don't believe you'll ever be able to fill the space-- constantly in a state of unrest -- at least that's the impression that i get.

    "startled by the weight
    of this vacuum" is my favorite part of this new favorite of mine.


  • M.A.King
    August 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The last line gives the final visual and enhances the mood you are creating. Really lost feeling to this poem.

  • Michael P
    August 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Not to interrupt another's conversation, but I liked the last line. The transitoriness of it fills the first versus' vacuum. A very melancholy poem, which sadly, too many of us I am quite sure, are able to relate with.


  • Saffron gold member
    August 21, 2008

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    ok--you know I have never critiqued one of your poems ever, I think, at least not in public...

    but--I think this would be much stronger without the last line, with the last stanza like this:

    It might have been easier
    if she had taken her body from this bed
    the day she left me -
    but, still, here she lies, asleep,
    next to me,
    miles away.


    Just my opinion


    but I still like it a lot



    • S A Adelmann
      August 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      But I love the last line...lol.


      • Saffron gold member
        August 21, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Then keep it

        I am just saying that, if it was my creation (but it's not), I would not have the last line that you love

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