where the lands have set
a dim haze rests on the paled viridian;
crisped, and browned, little leaf
ends curled in protective defence
or perhaps defiance -
in a bleached world of fine sands.
white scarves of mist eddy, endlessly, upward
warm curtains draw softly back,
receding to paint dew on wilting heads -
sweet and gentle as a mother's grief-gone,
love-lorn kiss.
pieta.
red green blue pink purple yellow orange
desert roses dying in the sunrise
mauve lilac champagne copper brandy dried gold
as if drunk, or crazed, all of a sudden,
stems unclench into a last lament, and dance.
petals whisk stirringly in a threadbare breeze
that changes the face of the homeland;
memory inverts, sea-change in sandy seas.
crystal cotton diffracts into the air
slowly gently murmur quiet kiss me up farewell borne by the arms
of a nursemaid draft, passed into the elbow
of a light east wind, and hushed into patient repose.
fluttering over fallen flower fields, passed from old parent
to new, they whisper on an echo beyond awareness
and are reborn unto themselves.
sand and seed, desert children, sing
glide, and dip, and rise, twirl
flow, and follow, and twist, unfurl
and so, search, seek, so hesitantly
come to new home.
leave the lands of the family.
inching along suspensions of hope and memory,
alone now, swept out and away.
time after time, the mists carry precious offspring, harry
generation after generation of quiet love and loss
onto the last of the red fields,
where amongst the dying, will new lives again
be bequeathed to the wind,
and sacrificed to the sand.
Author notes
i was uncertain about how to break this down. i had problems on stanzas, lines, sentences, and whether to keep it whole or not. so it might be overworked - i'd be glad to receive additional comment on the style.
the idea for this was born from a National Geographic feature on desert life, we watched in school. the images were so breathtakingly powerful and beautiful, i had to write this, and write it while the images were fresh. so in the next class i wrote it hands, pen and paper in my desk, hiding behind the textbook.
Written January 10th, 2004
CONTEST NOTE: Picture 5. Really reminded me of how beautiful the desert can be.
edit 1: May 6th, 2008
A contest entry
- Nature Photo Inspired by rainwalker.
450 points, ended May 6, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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There is so much to learn about the way that other people live in this world. You describe their lives and their environments in such vivid detail that it brings across all these things that people should learn from them very well. The images you invoke really do bring up pictures of National Geographic and all the documentaries I've ever seen on the desert and those that live out there. A beautiful piece of work
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excellent
despite your problems with the form and structure..you did a remarkable job with this poem.poetry acheives quite a lot,as shown by following:
"Poetry is the first thing lost in translation."—Robert Frost
"I would define poetry as the rhythmical creation of beauty." —Edgar Allen Poe
"...speech framed...to be heard for its own sake and interest even over and above its interest of meaning..."—Gerard Manley Hopkins
"...a verbal artifact which must be as skillfully and solidly constructed as a table or a motorcycle..."—W.H. Auden
"A poem is energy transferred from where the poet got it...by way of the poem itself, all the way over to the reader."—Charles Olson
you got most of it in.thanks for sharing.please visit some of my poetry too. -
I love this poem, especially the picture of little wild desert children. Great imagery!
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Ok I can see the idea behind the piece, the beauty of the desert that seems so empty and desolate. I think this is a good start but needs to be polished a bit.
"the lands have set
a dim haze rests on the paled viridian
the crisped and browned ends
curled as if to hide
or to protect defiantly."
In this first stanza I would like to see something other than "the" start off the poem, some sort of descriptive adjective like summer or dusty or barren, it would start your piece off with a little more pop. When I started reading I have to be honest, I was bored by that very first line and that is not a good first impression.
In the second and third lines you have too many "ed" words. There is no reason for pale to be "paled" there, it makes no sense and causes the reader to go back and re-read which breaks up the flow of the piece. I would also suggest fixing "crisped and browned" to crisp and brown.
Also that last line reads very awkwardly. I would suggest moving the word defiant to the front end. For example : or to defiantly protect. And still ending with either of those words makes the line feel very unfinished, those words are usually followed by some noun and to leave it there leaves the reader hanging on the end of that sentence feeling confused.
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I do like the second stanza quite a bit and I see no real problems with it. I can see that this is a very good start to a lovely piece and the idea is truly beautiful but it needs a little trimming here and there. The lines are short and long by turns which makes it harder to find a flow or a rhythm in the piece.
I would also like to see some more poetic device thrown in here, it doesn't have to rhyme to be poetry but a little alliteration thrown in or a good steady meter could help this and really get it formed up so that it feels like one consistent coherent piece.
I think that is the main problem with it is just that it doesn't sound put together, it sounds like a bunch of ideas and images all mashed up together. I hope you will look back at this and tweak it some because I see a lot of potential here. Keep in mind these are only suggestions based on my opinion and they are only meant to help you out as you did ask for constructive criticism.
Thank you for sharing this with us and keep on writing!
-Laura -
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Thanks for the comment! I really appreciate that you took the time to look critically at my poem - I consider it a greater honour than simple praise. And I quite agree with you, particularly with the poem's irregular structure. At the time I wrote children of the desert (several years ago, and I haven't edited it since, to my shame) I was interested in the free verse style, and specifically, the style that played around with varying line lengths. In retrospect, it does not work well here, and the images demand a little more pattern.
I didn't notice the awkwardness with "protect defiantly". Thanks! I do agree, it seems unfinished.
Actually, the use of the -ed words in the first stanza were intentional, to sort of cast the opening into the past, or a sense of has-gone, has-been, and the dying. I can see how it can be annoying though, and I'll consider how else I might phrase the stanza.
In fact, when I get the time, I'll probably restructure or rewrite the whole poem. The more I come back to these old pieces, the more I find them dissatisfying. I can see certain points of melodrama in it, for example...
Thanks again for your well-thought out criticism! And the opportunity to enter your contest <3
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Wonderful imagery, by the end of the poem I was wondering whether or not you've ever lived in a desert. Terrific job capturing the beautiful images you saw somplace else and putting them down on paper. Amazing! Thank you for entering and good luck.
~Anastasia -
this is an excellent poem! my only suggestion is to lose the '...left' on this line
softly, but they have one last task…left
i think it is just unneccessary and kind of clashes with the last lines in ur other stanzas. this poem is amazing! good luck in the contest
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It's interesting the way life just kind of "holds" out there until the rains come, and then it's suddenly this bursting garden before it withers away. it's an amazing place.
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Having lived in the desert 4 years ( the hottest part of Arizona) I am amazed how you gave such a beautiful image of a rare event - years can pass before enough winter rain would lead to amazing flower growths in the part of Arizona I lived - but so beautiful and yet so transient the life seen - and as you described a release of hope for the future generation as the old quickly die in the heat - I love the desert by the way - so much variation - I lived in the southwest corner which is very dry but in the southeast part of the state the elevation is higher and much more vegetation and summer thunderstorms - I cant say anything about being overworked - you used a consistent style of elegant lanquage I wish I had as beautiful of a vocabulary as you have - I love how you write
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I think this is great. It captures a process few think about and even fewer have witnessed. I don't feel it is overworked and I tried to see if there were any more effective breaks and it doesn't seem so. Thank you for sharing. Susan
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