Everytime I take a breath
the moment quickly passes.
Everlasting increasing steps
takes me closer to my past.
In the moment's difficulties
light explodes my view;
as I seem to get the most
from the farthest, distant cue.
There's a climate to life's passions
that protrudes beyond the brink
of entirety's vast, fast expansion.
Clouds of liftings oft' fashions 'wink'
There's a knowlege past our knowing
in the interim of life's lifespan.
There's a season quite overwhelming
waiting for the ocean's brand.
Though its often hard to fathom
complexity fans fires of mighty men.
Intimate scenes of life expanding
imprints infinity, while canceling 'when'
Author notes
"Finalist"
The Prompt: "Timeless"
A contest entry
- Final Option - Finalist - Open to all by Florida Sunshine.
1150 points, ended September 7, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Feel Free...
Comments
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My official review of your poem in the contest. Because this is a 'final' contest, I am feel I should be as strict as I can be in looking over every aspect of the poetry presented. I have never claimed to be an expert in any of the categories, however I have been learning a great deal over the last few months. Not only did I want to challenge you [the poet] but myself as a judge.
Below I've made the ruling/score in regards to the points. If you disagree with any of my reasoning please 'reply' to the comment made – with “Challenge” and explain where you feel my assessment is wrong, if I agree with your argument I will change the score. I'm never to proud to admit when I'm wrong. If I feel I am still correct I will bring in a 2nd judge to make the final decision to a change. This final judge will be through my grammar group.
Your Scores:
Finalist -- 10/10 points - Congratulations on making it to the final round of the option contest. I am happy you decided to join us.
Use of Prompt - 25/25 Points – Timeless – What I got out of it was the poem was in regards to the essence of time, and how we make impressions upon it. Nice job in reaching deep in.
Poetic Form – 15/20 points – This is regards to the actual structure of the poem. Your poem has 5 stanza's with 4 lines per stanza and a rhyming scheme of abcb.
Use of Grammar - 5/10 Points – The 2nd stanza you have: “In the moment's difficulties light explodes my view;” It wouldn't be 'moment's,' it should be moments as more than one moment [plural] not possessive. I believe the word entirety's also is acting like you want to possess the vast and fast expansion, where it should be plural 'entireties,' poetically this could be taken either way, therefore I did not count that word. However, you also have failed to put a period at the end of the last stanza.
Spelling - 4/10 points - You do have a couple of errors: 1st Stanza “Everytime” is not a compound word, but two words. [I've checked online and in my The Oxford Dictionary of Current English.] The 3rd Stanza last line you wrote “liftings” you wouldn't have this plural, lifting works appropriately. 4th Stanza you have “knowlege” it should be 'knowledge.'
Overall Presentation 20/25 points – The background and fonts are simplistic, with the blue and black. I know not all poets have available the whistles and bells. By using this type of background lets the poetry speak for itself. You write is alluring type read that makes the reader wanting more. -- Terrific job!
Your total score is 79
I do appreciate your participation. It was a welcome pleasure to read and review your work. I think you did a terrific job!
Best of luck to you,
Florida Sunshine B -
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Thank you for your detailed and helpful review...I will take all into consideration lol
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There's a climate to life's passions
that protrudes beyond the brink
of entirety's vast, fast expansion.
Clouds of liftings oft' fashions 'wink'
~ loved this, very nicely written! best wishes in the contest
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Thanks, that's grand lol
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