nobody was there,
yet words were there,
some rewinding,
some reliving,
some confusions,
some grudges,,
some problems,
some heart burns,
some sadness,
some bitterness,
some moments of truth,
some idiocy,
some bravado,
some comparisons,
some desperation,
some plans,
some objectives,
some relationships,
some money and savings,
some children,
some cloud,
and more cloud,
and denser cloud,
for each he had several words,
at this rate,
he talked more to himself,
then in society at large,
he is not alone,
there are millions like him,
some are loud,
others talk silently,
the way we live,
leaves each one of us,
to do more self talk,
and its not at all a smooth societal walk.
Author notes
to do more self talk,
and its not at all a smooth societal walk.
A contest entry
- An Affair With Isolation by aliceramone.
900 points, ended September 3, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Insanity by Insane-Joe.
700 points, ended December 2, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I like this. I like the concrete feel to it - the way the repeated words make a shape. I am also getting to like the way you repeat lines in your author's notes field. It's like you are making the actual poem take over more and more of the page.
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In the second line, I particularly feel the second 'there' isn't needed. "nobody was there, yet words were'...reads much better. there is a second comma after 'grudge' that needs deletion.
The part about "clouds" would read better as "some clouds, and more clouds, and denser clouds."
The last line 'its' should be 'it's'.
This is a good poem. But it still it needs a bit editing.
I can relate very well to the poem -
... it comes from the soul and I dig the whole one aspect...good...thanks for entering and good luck in the contest
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great write!
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thanks
thanks
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