Darkness murdered day
dragging its coloured corpse
across the sky, leaving me as a witness.
I fell into monotone thoughts,
throwing silent questions to magnolia walls
only for them to slip into maybes corner,
~just motes of a conscience~
and there is no light in this tunnel vision;
each sound just an echo of echo,
each touch a razor tear
oozing problems I can’t face anymore.
Author notes
Orginal : Captured Angel
I actually think the orginal is better, despite containing a 'few' cliches, it runs smoother ... just shows i've regressed rather than improved 
A contest entry
- Re-write Your First by Puking Faerie Dust.
800 points, ended November 3, 2008, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - SHORT WRITES BUT POWERFUL IMAGES by DeadlyPoetic88.
1332 points, ended January 21, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critique Requested
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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great images
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I liked this one more! The imagery was just astounding and very refreshing and original. The brevity adds to it, in my opinion, yet you say so much. The first stanza was so awesome, lol. Thanks for entering
Jeanette*~
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'magnolia walls' very pretty image.
'motes of a conscience' how great is that! I love the word 'motes.' And wonderfully used.
'oozing problems'...hrm. Well, certainly not cliche. This was vivid and powerful. Nice!
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I like the sense of despair that comes across reading this. Great choice of words and flow.
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I don't recall reading the original but I find this has the timbre of your voice as I have come to hear it. It grabs the reader by the epiglottis within the first line, an apt description of the all enveloping pain-filled sadness " Darkness murdered day" I found myself nodding, like one of those nodding dogs that is seen in back of some cars, that is EXACTLY what darkness does, it kills the light of the day. I am not sure whether leaving me a witness could be construed by others as if another person was left as a witness to this, maybe I am nitpicking, maybe leaving me AS a witness? Maybe I need to stop rambling and learn to summarize too! I particularly liked the monotone thoughts and each sound an echo of an echo was succint at portraying the sadness of reliving the groundhog day. Neat.
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lol .. I actually had it up as 'leaving me as a witness' then thought it sounded a bit wordy so dropped the 'as', but inrestrospect your thinking has made me think and I realise you are right, it could be taken as someone else left as the witness ... an edit is required
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wow..this is another amazing write..and I don't happen to think you have regressed..our styles change throughout..and I find that when I have a writers block it is because my style is morphing..never usually extreme..but subtle changes..You are THE BEST "amateur" writer..and I use that term loosely that I have ever read..(and you know I do NO LIPSERVICE)that being said...this amply fits into that category..your use of metaphors and vivid imagery is at the top..
~just motes of a conscience~
absolutely brilliant..(I think I identify with that)..thanx so much for sharing and best of luck in the contest..blessings..namaste..
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I thank you my friend for you faith in my ability .. misguided though it is
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