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Dancing in the Night

Under the starlit sky
I wander through the night
the whispering grass
singing to the trees
as they sway with the wind
in a dance so perfect and free.

You come up from behind
to walk side by side
quietly watching fireflies
as they come out to swim
through the crisp night air.

Hand in hand we dance
in between the dancing lights
we swing and turn
with the glowing stars,
gazing in your eyes
we dance in the grass.

You sweep me down
and hold me in the air,
to bend down with a kiss,
as soft and sweet
as the air that turns the leaves.

Stopping as a moment in the dance
with the dark quiet sky
and dancing ways through the night.

Author notes

This is a real dream I had, it was the best dream I have ever had. I cried when I woke up because it wasn't real.

A contest entry

What do you think? How can I improve? What was your least favorite part? Your favorite?

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • aeolia
    September 30, 2008

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    Your best dream is a lot more normal and tame than mine was, as mine somehow pertained to Crusades and a talking wardrobe. Anyway, the first thing I noticed about this wasn't the happy memory of an experience had in a dream, but the diction -- you know, the words you used.

    Nothing really stood out or was so immensely powerful like you claimed the dream to be, and you repeated the words 'dance,' 'air,' 'stars,' 'grass,' and a few others. There are other words, other ways to phrase things. It got bland after the first stanza, and though you did describe the scene, you didn't do it memorably. Starry night, dancing on the grass with a loved one beneath swaying trees. Okay. It's a simple image and is thus easy to grasp, but it's not as powerful as it could be. Try describing something in a new manner -- like, for instance, comparing the stars to the person's glimmering eyes, using concrete metaphor and imagery to show us... allusions are always good, too.

    Of course, when picking words to use, stay away from the thesaurus. Try a dictionary instead. Words have connotations, and using one you don't know that you think 'looks cool' can fuck up a poem. So, pretty much, poetry shouldn't aim to sound like it's from a fridge magnet kit or like anyone in the world could have written it.

    It's sweet, though, and I commend you for knowing how to spell, lol. And don't mind my nitpicking/rambling. Thanks for the entry!


  • Wulf-Eyez De Winter gold member
    September 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is very very good


  • liveyourlife
    August 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, that definately reaches right down to my heart. this poem is beautiful, it makes me wish for the same dream!


  • GloriousGift
    August 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This's amazing!

    I wish too that it was real.

    Thnx for sharing, Best of luck with the contests, though i guess you don't need it, You're already lucky ;]

    GloriousGift
    Heba


  • PatheticKt
    August 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, what a beautiful write: quite impressive, I must say
    The lines penned here were definitely perfect and you described that typical love scene just wonderfully and without even a great touch of cliche
    Nothing much to say here because I love the calm and heartwarming imagery here; lovely, very lovely


  • Fallen-Phases
    August 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Amazing write! beautiful imagery, i really liked this


  • oktiggerknowsbest
    August 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Very well written and beautiful imagery

    I like the imagery and how you used dancing to portray what was happening. I love to dance and that really sucked me in. I even like the background that you have because it adds a nice touch to the words and the flow of the poem. I also wish that I could have a dream like this, and have it come true.


  • echo-ink
    August 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    What a wonderful dream this was.

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHH those dreams that make you cry~~~
    ~~~ because they're not real, "sniff, sniff"


  • breakdown-beatdown
    August 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is B-E-A-utiful amazing I felt like I was in the dream with you! keep writing amazing pieces like this!


    much love,
    phillip


  • Nostalgic Moon
    August 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i would have cried too waking up from this wonderful dream.
    this poem is great
    good luck in my contest


  • sora.
    August 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    delightful!
    i love the references to the sky...
    the imagery here is amazing.
    great work!
    =]

1 - 11 of 11