muscles straining and aching for a chance to
push themselves back into a lifeless body
and
move like a crane that is lifting
souls out of the valley.
scum is mixed in with my
sunday breakfast and i am trying to
keep it all
down.
'it would be good if you could---'
well i
can't.
a ninth avenue snack, smart talking to pretty girls
in street leather and a worthless old man that
whispers in tones that make not even i
want to step closer to his
rotting cage.
i like my lining to come out neat
in rows of tens and twos
if you don't mind? sir.
straining for the last chance to see
mother earth shine in a brightly lit cabana stairway
with men crawling towards the heels
like ants to sugar.
i laugh in my, disinfected way and count the colors
on the floor
with the cats that are slowly stepping along the
stones out
back.
and i, am the one
cleaning up after his mess, again.
i, am the one
leaning out of a window and
wiping out the corners of my
masochistic eyes
because i can't hold it in for long enough
to love him.
II.
"i promise that when the sun
falls into my hands i will be your
jupiter and you can
make me melt with your
sky."
but it's too late and
now i have to flee
run
scream
vomit
i have to get out.
away.
"i promise you that we will
be the people that are inside
of each other and upside down
in our wounds and
my skin will crawl from what
you have injected
beneath"
and i can't breathe and it's not fair
and you
you
you...
Author notes
i'm sleeping with the television,
and all the lights on.
A contest entry
- Write Now by She Stole My Voice.
300 points, ended August 21, 2008, 26 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
cry me a fucking river
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
its breathtaking.... the way you can write....
i love this one... i feel like.... its me.... a piece of myself....and him.
anyways amazing job ! and good luck !
-
this entire poem is amazing. i like part one better than part two.
theres a small awkward area in line 15. you might want to change "tones that make not even I" into "tones such that not even I".
well done in the contest. dont tell the gold person but i thought this poem actually deserved it instead.
-
woaah this is amazing!
a ninth avenue snack, smart talking to pretty girls
in street leather and a worthless old man that
whispers in tones that make not even i
want to step closer to his
rotting cage.
---
i love that stanza; it's so unique and filled with imagery.
with men crawling towards the heels
like ants to sugar.
i laugh in my, disinfected way and count the colors
on the floor
---
that part is amazing
i like the metaphor in the first two lines
and i, am the one
cleaning up after his mess, again.
i, am the one
leaning out of a window and
wiping out the corners of my
masochistic eyes
because i can't hold it in for long enough
to love him.
---
ahhh hit me soo hard! i've felt like this about a million times.
this is amazing
best of luck in the contest
i have no chance of winning now haha
<3 -
your author's notes should be a part of your poem.
i felt it right here.
-
not fair that your a fucking genuis,
damn baby,
you are fucking amazing.
"i promise you that we will
be the people that are inside
of each other and upside down
in our wounds and
my skin will crawl from what
you have injected
beneath"
and i can't breathe and it's not fair
and you
you
you..."
I feel every word.
-
Wow.
This is... great.
Beyond believable.
I can't even pinpoint a favorite spot.
Although I loved part II best, because of the metaphors in the dialogue.
It was stunning.
Really, just beautiful.
I loved every line of it.
You're sure to win the contest. >.>
Why do I even bother entering when I'm up to competetors like you?!
Haha. <3 -
i love love love everything from the opening line to 'rotting cage'...even though the rotting cage stanza could be considered worded awkwardly the imagery was great. i loved the next two lines
i like my lining to come out neat
in rows of tens and twos
but didn't like 'if you don't mind?' and especially the sir...i just feel like it detracted from the poem. and i think tens and twos blends well into the straining stanza.
which btw was SO awesome. only qualm was that unnecessary comma. same thing goes with the last stanza of section one, it's great, just no commas.
and we'll have to talk about that second bit, i have too many questions
-
"straining for the last chance to see
mother earth shine in a brightly lit cabana stairway
with men crawling towards the heels
like ants to sugar.
i laugh in my, disinfected way and count the colors
on the floor
with the cats that are slowly stepping along the
stones out
back."
Oh my goddd darling.
This is so amazing.
I love you sooo much <333
-
"scum is mixed in with my
sunday breakfast and i am trying to
keep it all
down."
- that hit hard for me, as I try to do
that a lot it seems...When I have stuff
on my mind that is just aching to come out.
From out of that place, out of that
terribleness we wish we didn't have to
endure. But I guess if we didn't, we would
have nothing to notice along the way or
take note of. On another note, I sleep
with the television on most of the time,
but it's because I sometimes have a fear
I will be swallowed by silence and
overwhelmed by the smallest things. This
was extremely personal, which you stuff
usually is and I want you to know that I
felt this one. It was honest and truthful
and yes, important.
;
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