born into marriage
tabernacle forged by flesh
i am encumbered by the dragging of feet
the tugging of leg
the pressure of heart
i blink in tandem
sight tends to waver
and tire too easily
a third lid spreads between the four....
we are mirrored by
bisecting degree
our voices have swallowed one another's
have become nothing more than a hum
(and the hum is blood)
red cells: convex in center
traveling in opposite direction
brushing lightly against the underside of the skin
our mouths met
the day we joined
breath flowed from lung to lung
we breathed life into each other
and placed a pearl deep within our forehead
somehow,
this was forgotten....
A contest entry
- enduring in two pieces... by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
300 points, ended September 3, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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So appealing to the poetical soul. I enjoyed the read
lol
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Sadness envelopes the heart as one read this poem. Reminds me of one I wrote just today.
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You took a dive into the depth revealing the hidden truths of life.....well done...I love it..and my thanks for sharing such a wonderful piece ...
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first of all, i love the word encumbered and you used it perfectly here. i love that whole first stanza. think that 'of leg' should be 'of a leg' but just my opinion.
i love the next bit. the word bisect is sooooo great. i used it in one of my poems once and someone actually asked me if i meant dissect....hahaha. i'm glad that you know this is a real word. i would really like to see 'degrees' there though.
thrird stanza, first three lines are so great. the '...both are blood' seems so unnecessary... we already know that it's both.
everything was so great after that, i loved the pearl image. those last two lines seemed a bit awkward though...maybe 'that somehow was forgotten' ? remember, just my opinion, don't feel obligated about anything. i really liked this
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thoughts
thanks for those observations. i went through and read it with the suggested alterations and here's what i came up with. "of leg" works for me, even if it is floating around without a body or a mate. i am just breaking down a list of limbs that carry the heaviest responsibilities in the physical world.
"degree" is singular because that's how i think of it.... like these two separate and different entities are only separate because of a slight miscalculation. one degree being ironic in this situation. or rather that this one degree is nothing more than a shifting upon fulcrum. i do agree about the "...both are blood" comment. completely. t was always a white elephant for me, and i needed to hear someone else agree.
the end though, the end is beautiful to me. i really wish it didn't sound awkward. is it the lines themselves? now that i re-read it, i have come to the conclusion that it shouldn't be attached to the last stanza. it doesn't belong there.
thank you very very much!
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we have a lot of the same vocabulary. this piece flows so beautifully. I don't think i'll ever have anything bad to say about your work, ever. I am just so dumbfounded by the creativity you have endured here. good luck in this contest, I'm sure you will go far.
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