i observed the white fox
leaving long stretches of prints
where he tread softly,
met the glinting eye of a caribou
when he nosed at frosted grounds;
i felt the indigo hands
of the northern seas,
deep and rich in color and scent,
stroke the embittered lands
of Russian lovers.
you grasped me-
pale naked limbs
stiffening like chamomile
in the brisk night.
i slid my tongue across
the landscape of your body-
hills and valleys, silent slopes
in the firm flesh of your torso;
you held me closer
than Moscow ever could.
Author notes
Contest- Most improved, round one.
Prompt: Russia.
http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2345627
[author's notes required for contest]
the main metaphor of the poem is using Siberia as a lover, cold perhaps, but more endearing and romantic than some people would think.
specific references:
title- St Basil's cathedral in Moscow, basically that there's more to Russia than Moscow, just how there's more to everything that it seems.
first stanza-
Siberia, the northern region of Russia
fox and caribou- some of its wildlife.
second-
"indigo hands"- the deep blue color of the north seas,
"embittered lands" -a lot of the landscape of Siberia is harsh and blank during the winter, so i see them as kind of angry.
third-
chamomile is the national flower of Russia
fourth-
Siberia has a diverse terrain, with mountains, rivers, plateaus, etc. (it's not ALL barren)
last-
Relating back to the title, Moscow is where most people consider the heart of Russia, because it's a culture center and whatnot, but if you wander past where people expect you to stay, you might find something worth your time (as with everything in life)
A contest entry
- Random Contest to Scope out Talent by Randomly Beautiful.
300 points, ended August 25, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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What an original idea
I love both the main metaphor and the way you've accomplished it.
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*ponders* Only because this is a ponderous write. Your first stanza is very vivid and, in fact, breath taking. This was flowingly solid an excellent start to the competition. I have nothing really critical.
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188
Firstly, your title spoke to me and demanded my attention.
I like your use of subtle alliteration and other poetic device and your phrasing is very good for the most part.
Your ending is strong and creates the perfect atmosphere for the closing of this piece.
A little tweak here and there, a tiny polish, and this piece would be excellent.
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Stunning work.
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mmmm
the fox and the sky bring the chills
to imagine such a landscape could be turned to warmth
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190
Asthetically, I would almost prefer to see 'of prints' from line two on the next line, standing alone.
'when he nosed at frosted grounds' I really do like this phrase but I almost wondered if it was needed (and at the same time, it doesn't detract).
I don't like that you began the second and fourth stanza with 'and'.
Truly it is just the same things, a bit of slight tweaking but the piece is still excellent.
The ending truly is wonderful, it lingers after it is read.
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194
*sigh* this is beautiful.
now for the scoring...
You scored 10’s in the following areas.
[10] first impression of title [before reading poem]
[10] title fits with the poem [after reading poem]
[10] opening strength
[10] middle strength
[10] ending strength
[10] balance of abstraction/imagery
[10] show vs. tell factor
[10] line breaking
[10] flow of sound
[10] transitioning; flow of ideas & images
[10] focus/precision, concision & cohesion
[10] understandable enough
[10] general use of all poetic devices
[10] Written Response
You scored 9’s in the following areas.
[9] general originality of ideas
[9] general creativity of ideas
[9] overall opinion of poem
[9] personal reaction
[9] personality, power, emotion, conviction
[9] phrasing, punctuation [if necessary], word choice
Total: 194
I don’t have any major criticism. I felt the first sentence was a bit lengthy, at the same time it sounded beautiful, so…it’s whatever. Overall, this is exceptional.
I thought it was weird that you applied for this, because I thought you would be too good. I’m not sure how I can help you, but hopefully more experienced poets/judges, such as Nijole and Melissa, can help you out. I will do what I can to help though.
This is truly excellent. Loved it.
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honestly, being in your contest is a help enough.
i haven't been consistently writing for the last few months, and this forces me to create something at least, so thank you
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beautiful imagery. i love the ambiguous you. maybe thats a writing fetish of mine, but i like when pronouns arent resolved until the writer wants them to be. you are the reason allpoetry exists.
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this is brilliant work young lady... wow.. i loved mascow as a kid, i have heard so many stories about that place and seen so many pictures... i love the snow covered place with spectacular buildings... if you look closely you can actually see color ...anyway, your poem...
and siberia is my favorite... i have once read a short story when i was in the sixth grade (about that place) and couldn't forget the sharp images of soldiers, snow, white and ummm alcohol in front of a fire they have built up... this was really enjoyable. good luck. you are great!
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